I Miss This Guy

Barney's Red Carpet

2010-09-13T16:03:00.001-07:00

Barney's Version red carpet. A little TL in the BG towards the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKKagQ88A94

I'm gonna go talk to myself on Bloor Street.

2010-09-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

How kickass would it feel to just give up everything and walk along Bloor Street mumbling to yourself? You know, just let the OCD flow. Yelling occasionally about how the number six fucked up your marriage or how the damn politicians drank your pea soup. Imagine the liberating sensations crawling up your endocrine glands when you stop carefree teenagers to warn them of falling pianos. Think hard about the clever signs you could make with a million words crammed into a 3x4 inch placard taped to your chapeau. Living the dream, man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzEhoyXpqzQ

Vacation

2010-05-31T00:23:00.000-07:00

Taking June off.

If you need a laugh, just put your penis in between two slices of bread and sit in an alleyway for a few hours.

Grayson Andrew Prozes

2010-05-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the world little buddy - all seven pounds of ya. Great name by the way dude. Happy to have you on board. Can't wait to meet ya!

None Of These

2010-05-21T01:57:00.001-07:00

The strangest thing about Europe has to be that there are no lesbians. I've been living here for two years and I haven't seen a single one of those stocky crew-cutted things that look at you with those eyes. Sure The Womens go down on each other over here, but that's normal. What they don't do is abandon the rod. All The Womens stay true to the rod.

Mr. Fix It

2010-05-18T01:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry about not being able to fix the comments section - I'm going to give it one more try this week and then start smashing shit. It's not the same without your witticisms and repartee.

Fortune Teller

2010-05-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

Check out my post on February 20th. Fucking weird, right?

Cantstandya

2010-05-15T02:52:00.001-07:00

George. I miss this guy. Watch the scene below and see if you can see the similarities...

I Squish You

2010-05-12T04:56:00.001-07:00

Watch the trailer below and I guarantee you'll be kicking yourself for not thinking of the concept first. Not the movie concept, but the idea of kidnapping people and sewing them together into a centipede. Perhaps it's not too late?

Crafts

2010-05-11T03:29:00.001-07:00

Thought you bad haircuts would like a glimpse of the crafts I'll be learning to maneuver in June as I make my transition back to Canada. First up is the Bavaria 36 yacht - basically the smallest thing that can survive in an ocean. Guess I'll find out if I get seasick or not, cuz six days living on this thing may be somewhat bumpy. More than calm waters, I'm hoping my fellow students won't ask me a single fucking question and just let me do my thing in peace. Below that is the Cessna 172 - also not the largest situation in the skies. Don't think I'll get to land it or anything, but I will get to take-off and fly the sucker.

The Sound of Simon and Garfunkel

2010-05-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

If anyone we know is having a baby boy, please tell that person to name their child Garfunkel.

S & G come to mind because a neighbor of mine has been cranking their greatest hits every week or so, out the window so no less then a thousand people can hear the music. It typically starts at midnight and it's the weirdest thing. The music is so preposterously loud and intentionally directed outwards to the street, you feel angry and imposed upon. But it's Simon and Garfunkel, so how can you get too upset? The guy that's playing this music must be sitting to himself, rubbing his hands together with glee at the conundrum he's placed his neighbors in. Or what is this guy thinking or doing? He's super fucking high, that's for sure.

Did I mention this goes on for hours? It was still cranked two hours later... and nobody complained.

Soccer News

2010-05-06T05:08:00.000-07:00

Croatian football player Goran Tunjic had a heart attack, collapsed on the field and died in the 35th minute of a match for Mladost FC against Hrvatski Sokol this weekend. One might think that would have been his final indignity.

Alas, no. Tunjic was given a yellow card for diving ... as he lay dying.

Paramedics tried to revive the 32-year-old part-time soccer player once the referee realized the player wasn't faking it, but by then the damage was done.

"It was 35th minute of the match when we've simply noticed he has fallen down," a club official told reporters. "Doctors have tried to help him, but there was nothing they could do."

"He just fell dead on the spot."

Coaches said Tunjic, who was the son of local legend player, official and referee Cibalia Tunji_, had never had any health issues in the past that they were aware of.

Mladost is a county-level team representing the small town of Su_uraj on the island of Hvar.

I'm not your Mother

2010-05-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

Hawking has apparently gone on the record that time travel may one day be possible if research continues for the next 5 or 6 hundred million years. So in the year 600,002,010 people may be able to time travel. Don't get too excited, he provides a caveat - we'll only be able to travel forwards in time, which begs the question, "how the fuck do you get back?"

This is meaningless of course unless you don't eat gluton, which according to Dave Sorbara is really bad for you. Why not cut out all kinds of bread to be on the safe side and make sure you're around for time travel. A few vegetables wouldn't hurt either and no, I'm not your Mother.

Fuck Him

2010-05-05T02:45:00.000-07:00

Went for some Carlsberg last night and was sitting beside a couple of computer programmer dudes with serious ego's. They ordered a pack of smokes from the bar and when it was delivered, the guy in the cheaper suit of the two admonished the bartender for not removing the foil wrapper from inside the pack or Prince's. This all happened in Danish, but I'm told the bartender responded that he's not allowed to do that anymore. What kind of asshole asks the bartender to open a pack for him? How much of a cocksucker do you have to be?

Oh yeah, and the guy that was translating this whole fiasco let me know only dickhead's smoke "Prince's".

Fuck You

2010-05-02T13:24:00.001-07:00

That's right. I've been away for a bit, not really feeling the blogging mood. But I'm back because of you, so fuck you.

Not only am I back blogging faithful reports to loyal readers, but I'm back in Copenhagen and it didn't take me too long to realize how different shit is over here. Went to a bar on Friday and the bartender/owner introduced himself and shortly after asked me to run the place while he went to pick up a new fridge. I tended bar and helped myself to vodka and played the role. When he came back, we talked about the advantages to swimming in cold water. Sometimes, this place isn't terrible.

Fuck Me

2010-04-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of your emails regarding the technical issues with the comments section. Amazing that a hundred years ago people were talking to each other across the ocean and I can't seem to figure this goddamn thing out. So far, I've done almost nothing to fix it and to my chagrin, doing jack shit doesn't seem to be solving the problem. For now, all we can do is wait. Wait and peel hot peppers and rub our eyes and wait.

Tiger Text

2010-04-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

A report has been filed that there's a problem posting comments. Think I've fixed it, but who fucking knows.

Possible text from Tiger to one of his ladies...

That girl u brought
:(
2 much coke.
U got saw?

Easter

2010-04-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

On the walk to work there wasn't much going on except a rather healthy handful of tweaked out crack/meth-heads by the train station acting like monkeys and an extra large smattering of street-walking lady types. It's Easter here in CPH and that means a five day weekend and that last night was a major booze-up. A buddy of mine was so smashed he cried for the last hour of the night. Good times.

There's no real Danish tradition to file in my report to you, but I can relay the Czech Easter tradition which involves the men going house to house whipping the womens (I threw in the "s" there cuz I write likes I speaks). Seriously.

The Brain

2010-03-29T02:38:00.000-07:00

Let's talk a little bit about alcohol. Why do we drink it? Yes, it's a social lubricant, but why? What's the science here?

Not to make things too complicated, this is a family website, but in a nutshell alcohol makes us dumb. Blissfully dumb. The more you drink it, the more dumb you become. Drink the perfect amount and you become perfect dumb. Drink too much and you become too dumb and do something really stupid. It's amazing that the effects disappear the next morning, leaving only a headache as a friendly reminder not to abuse the privilege.

Shouldn't this be the way we measure alcohol's effects? Instead of breathalyzer's they should do an IQ test which would work something like this... Smart people can drink four beer per hour. Dumb people can drink one half of a beer per hour. You should have to breathe into the machine at the same time answering a series of tricky questions. The way I behaved this weekend, I wouldn't have been surprised to be arrested for drinking and walking.

Too Literal Open Door Policy

2010-03-23T08:41:00.001-07:00

Gonna be on set for the next few days and away from this blog type situation, but thought I'd leave you to ponder until next week why it is that nobody in Denmark actually closes the door behind themselves? There are fucking open doors everywhere and it's driving me nuts.

Legion

2010-03-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

A new kind of movie is taking Hollywood by storm – let’s call it the, “you’ve got to be kidding me” genre. Films with story so ridiculous you need to have a pencil shoved up your nose (into your brain) to believe what you’re seeing. THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON, anything with Ben Affleck (oh wait, is he still acting?) – some prime examples and now Sony Picture’s LEGION.

The 26 million dollar (US) apocalyptic action thriller’s premise is God has had enough of humanity and all of its (our) stupidity. The divine One orders his angel soldier, “Michael”(Paul Bettany, THE DA VINCI CODE) to destroy earth and in particular an unborn baby. Michael defies this and helps save the earth from the apocalypse with a bag full of guns and a little help from some humans (Dennis Quaid, former model Tyrese Gibson, Lucas Black). And yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense. The website Christianity Today calls LEGION “a confused mess of ideas” – a startling critique if you think about the hocus pocus in the bible. But, Christian film reviewers aren’t the only ones scratching their heads – the Los Angeles Times says it’s a “loud, dumb, time-waster” and The Daily Mirror calls it “preposterous”.

A review of LEGION wouldn’t be complete without mentioning what a complete rip off many of the action sequences are. Anyone that’s seen TERMINATOR 2 will be reaching for the nose pencils in one scene that’s stolen shot for shot. Compelling to think a movie with such a flawed central premise and rip-off action could do 17 million dollars on its opening weekend and will likely spawn numerous straight to video sequels.

Now here’s the twist. The strange thing about “Legion” is if you look past the horse manure premise and stop saying to yourself, “you’ve got to be kidding me”, it’s actually a fairly entertaining film. The dialogue is at times inventive, some of the performances halfway decent and I detected a few chills, some arm hair raising and even caught myself on the edge of the seat (and I’m pretty desensitized to this stuff). I left the theatre mildly transformed, expecting something devastating to happen outside the theatre – a sensation entirely unique to cinema and one of the reasons film makes such a great escape. “Legion” briefly altered my reality and even though it’s a good example of why God might actually despise humanity and want to kill us all, the film did what it was meant to do.

From Paris With Love

2010-03-22T03:12:00.000-07:00

Here's my 420 word movie review of Travolta's FROM PARIS WITH LOVE for the Copenhagen Post... my first review:

I should start by saying I’ve never reviewed a movie before. I’m a filmmaker and assuming the role of reviewer is playing tricks with my gag reflex. The two Hollywood films I’ve co-written have been destroyed by the press and I have to confess some animosity towards the pseudo-intellectual film industry tourists that aggressively critique something they lack the talent to create themselves. But, things being what they are, I’m here and you’re there, so let’s get started ruthlessly dissecting FROM PARIS WITH LOVE.

But first an aside – I’m sure you’ll be interested in a brief look at the mechanics of a film review. How it works is the film distributor, in this case Nordisk Film, holds a screening a week before the release, first thing in the morning. They dish out free coffee and croissant and try as hard as possible to put the reviewer in a good mood. Did it work?

The sixty million dollar (U.S.) action thriller with a deceptively romantic title, matches John Travolta with burgeoning star Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Travolta plays an experienced government operative, while Meyers’ character is a newcomer to the, “save the world from terrorists” game. The film tries to be cutting edge and push the boundaries of the genre, but the grittiness feels manufactured and the dialogue bogged down in cliché. There’s nothing fresh or innovative in terms of concept or craft and the action plays out like the film was shot a decade ago and got lost on the way to the theatre. It’s not a terrible movie – the story moves quickly and you could do worse with your ninety minutes, but you’ve seen this movie before. Travolta even goes so far as to tip his cap to better days having his favorite meal, a “Royale with cheese” hand delivered. You know your career is toast when you’re quoting yourself from a different movie.

What happened to Travolta anyways? For his first movie without his trademark wig (he’s bald), you’d expect more… I don’t know, “oomph” – is that a film reviewer word? Travolta delivers some tricky lines, but his counterpart Meyers’ portrayal lacked verisimilitude and was so forced he might as well been reading cue cards. A few years back, I was Associate Producer of a movie that was trying to cast Meyers and after some serious inquiries we learned he was “trouble”. There’s a scene when Meyers briefly seems disinterested by the prospects of snorting a line of cocaine – perhaps the only real acting he did all movie.

Roger Corman

2010-03-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

Probably forgot to tell you dudes, I'm now the movie reviewer for the local English newspaper the Copenhagen Post. Today begins a series of the three articles that have gone to press - there's no access online to the film section, so I'll post them here and look forward to your comments. First up, a retrospective of Roger Corman's work...

When it comes to low budget horror blockbusters like the original Saw, Paranormal Activity and The Blair Witch Project, most people can’t stand their insipid story lines, contained locations and amateur performances. These films made hundreds of millions of dollars though on a shoestring budget and regardless of your feelings for this brand of celluloid, the man responsible is Roger Corman. He didn’t produce these movies of course, his most popular work being Little Shop of Horrors (shot in two days for $30,000 in 1960!), but he did write the playbook for horror movies to profit, no matter how terrible, in How I Made A Hundred Movies In Hollywood And Never Lost A Dime (1990).

Born in Detroit in 1926, Corman’s actually made 388 movies to be precise, 56 of which he directed dating back to 1954. He was the Producer young filmmakers dreamed of working for despite his perfectionist slave driving ways and stories of locking writers in a room. Corman took chances on raw creative talent and forced people to work fast and think on their feet – a style contemporary insurance and financing models have made all but obsolete. Future legends like Scorcese, Coppola, Cameron all got their start on Corman productions – Coppola even worked as a soundman and Cameron a model builder. Generations of Hollywood names, from the top to the bottom of the credit roll learned the fundamentals of story and craft on a Roger Corman production.

The retrospective Produced By Roger Corman is on at the DFI’s cinematheque through March and includes seven titles, two of which are obscure and compelling enough to forget the fact they aren’t any good. Devil’s Castle (1963) originally titled, Dementia 13 (US), was directed by Francis Ford Coppola nine years before Godfather and stars Luana Anders (Easy Rider). The black and white, Psycho inspired horror flick plays at Sunday, March 7 @ 14hr and Tuesday, March 30 @ 19:30hr.

Togrøverne From Arkansas (1972) aka Boxcar Bertha, is the film Scorsese made prior to Mean Streets, stars Barbara Hershey and David Carradine. Shot in 24 days for just over half a million dollars, it was completed with barely enough time and money to shoot a few scenes of his current epics and will reassure most young filmmakers that even Scorsese started somewhere (Tuesday, March 2 @ 21:30hr and Saturday, March 20 @ 16hr).

Corman’s work can be tedious, even unintentionally comedic, but if your taste extends to viewing creative talent and a genre in its formative stages, then check this out.

A Star Is Born

2010-03-18T05:30:00.001-07:00

How much has the world changed now that there's a video camera almost everywhere? First Amercia's Funniest Home Video's, then youtube have given us the opportunity to look at our most embarrassing moments in slow motion. Unlike never before, new stars are made overnight like this elderly gentleman - perhaps the finest 36 seconds you're likely to see (God, I'm immature).

Dog Ears

2010-03-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

Today you lucky bastards get two posts. This one's on dogs.

Dogs have a super amazing sense of smell and their ears are totally awesome, correct? How does that work? The sound thing I mean. Does something that's loud to us seem really loud to them? What about those bark-y dogs that yap in that high-pitched yelp? They must make themselves deaf before their blowing the candles out on their first (7th) dog bone.

Time Warp

2010-03-16T00:52:00.000-07:00

Let me be the first to congratulate you North Americans on your exceptional time change this past weekend. Another flawlessly executed mini-time leap. You've got the one-hour jump down to perfection now. But can you do two hours? More? I'd like to see that.

Denmark doesn't do it's time warp for another two or three weeks. We like to watch you guys do it first to make sure everything goes fine - nobody disappears from photographs or any weird shit like that. The result of course is now we're only five hours apart. I feel so much closer.

Bill Gates

2010-03-10T23:47:00.000-08:00

So apparently we've got a new richest dude in the world... and he's Mexican. Raise your enchilada if you didn't see that coming. Carlos Slim Helu (that's right, his middle name is slim), welcome to the pole position. He'll probably be there a while too - don't exactly see "Slim" giving away billions to charity.

No disrespect to Mexico, but you can buy anything you want down there for like twenty bucks. Maybe that's how this guy got so wealthy - he has to hop on a plane if he wants to spend any dough.

Original Kenny Powers

2010-03-09T09:27:00.000-08:00

If you know the awesome show EASTBOUND AND DOWN, then you might be interested to discover the namesake of the title character is a Canadian stunt man from the 1970's. Briefly famous for perhaps the dumbest stunt in the history of dumb stunts, Powers attempted to cross the St. Lawrence River, by air, in a banana yellow Lincoln Continental.

There are many juicy tidbits to consider here - how did he raise a million (1970) dollars for such a obviously flawed concept? How did he break his back seven times previously? Where is he now? Was it his last stunt? Why did his car not make it? Well, that last one answers itself. But the question looms, has anyone ever done something this incredible and why, as Canadians, don't we all know the Kenny Powers name? Heck, this guy should be a household name in Korea, let alone his home province. This guy should be a legend and you'd have to imagine, that what drove him into that car was the idea that make it or no, he was going to be a remembered for all of time, beyond the cozy confines of blogs (like this) dedicated to such behavior.

What's a more spectacular failure - his abbreviated jump or our collective ignorance to this seminal event?

Further, one must acknowledge the pure Canadian-ness of such a feat. Nowhere else is self deprecating a finely tuned art like it is in Ontario. Fuck, I get homesick just thinking about it.

Normal Weekend

2010-03-08T04:26:00.000-08:00

Another normal weekend here in Kobenhavn. Nothing special to report. Played Wii golf on Friday night with some guys and ate fried chicken later on. Rockin'. Why am I bothering to write when I've got nothing compelling to say? Good question. Still don't understand twitter or why people update their facebook status like we give a shit their cat looks cute in a sweater or they hate the new Bachelor.

Hurt Locker did well in the Oscar's didn't it? David beats Goliath. Hollwood really loves an underdog when that underdog isn't a white male (unless that white male is recovering from addiction). Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin must have been funny. The show didn't start here until 2am, so I'm just guessing.

Cool Runnings

2010-03-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

You guys are probably wondering how Denmark did at the Olympics. Well... their best hope for a medal was the female curling team. That group went 3-5, missed the playoffs and the team "skip" cried in her game against Canada because the crowd intimidated her.

People have been quick to mention how well Canada did and most here seemed to watch the final hockey game (or at least said they did). They like to explain that their countries overall performance was so poor because there's never any snow here, nor any mountains or winter Olympic sport facilities. Three words guys - Jamaican bobsled team.

Kanada

2010-03-01T02:54:00.000-08:00

What a game.

Watched the Swedish feed. After Canada's first goal, the announcer broke into English and said with his thick accent, "and the place goes banana's".

The European's score the Olympic standings by gold medals, so as far as the people over here are concerned, Canada or as they write, "Kanada", won the Olympics. Pretty weird to see Canada in this kind of a spotlight - probably a first for all of us.

Got to see the interviews with the Canadian players on Swedish TV and if you think they say boring answers on English TV, you should hear how severely they mail in their performance for foreign press. They barely even answer the question.

Time Machine

2010-02-24T01:58:00.000-08:00

It's time we face the cold hard fact that humans will never invent a time machine. Our species must certainly perish before this invention, otherwise... we'd know about it. No way buddy-boy that invents a TM could travel back and keep it a secret. Las Vegas probably has a guy specifically on the look out for time machine dudes with Sports Almanacs. Mind you, Leonardo Di Vinci could be a time machine guy - he invented a whole bunch of shit ahead of his time and having seen the Mona Lisa a few times, the best thing about the painting is wondering how the fuck it became so insanely famous.

Volcano

2010-02-20T09:23:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since a volcano went kaboom. We're probably due.

History Lesson

2010-02-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

When the 3rd Reich defeated a country, they took ownership of it and all it's assets. But when Germany lost the war, nobody took ownership of them. Sure the US and Russia made them pay in one way or another, but one must conclude it's surprising countries don't attack each other more - after all, what do they have to lose?

Took the Metro home today and at Norreport station our train was attacked entering the station by a thousand football hooligans, banging on the windows and doors. The "Kobenhavn Boys" boarded like a virus, driving families and old ladies quickly to the exit. I kept my eyes on the magical verse of the historical novel TEXAS by James A. Michener, but looked up from time to time to eyeball the happenings and file this faithful report.

I saw graffiti, destruction of property, placement of club stickers over security camera bubbles, punching of holes, drinking of alcohol (legal on Metro trains) combined with ample cigarette smoking and loud noises. Doors were broken and a window smashed but the teams of riot police in tow did nothing to stop the carnage.

The chanting was rhythmic and a smile crept to my right mouth corner as they all jumped up and down in unison, nearly driving us from the track and forcing a lengthy delay. Then came the Nazi salutes, and skinhead behavior that made things tense, at least in my own head. It felt strange to be in the middle of that mix. Quite strange indeed. I wanted to confront them, but their numbers were too strong and that's all I'll say about that.

Dressed in dark blue they did, my favorite color. Borderline black some would say. In the middle of such a group it was easy to feel their collective strength and individual insecurities. I saw the look in their eyes as they made the stiff arm German gesture and the smiles and laughter that followed. I placed myself back in time and really felt something inside. Goddamn did I want to do something. What did I have to lose?

Bring Amber Lamps

2010-02-18T09:37:00.000-08:00

This video below is basically the number one thing on the internet right now, so there's a good chance you've seen the hundred different spin offs. There's a nice video dedicated to the girl in the purple that just watches the whole thing without changing her expression and a video that likens the fisticuffs to a video game. But, here in it's Oakland sunshine glory is the original, no commentary required...

Jamiroquai

2010-02-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to Jamiroquai?

Remember those guys smoking joints on stage at Metropolis in Montreal and thinking they were the next big long time thing. Isn't it amazing how bands that come and go get plenty of attention as "one hit wonders" but film directors that make incredible work and fade into oblivion do so in obscurity? "Deer Hunter" director Michael Cimino did fuck all after that masterpiece and nobody said boo. My favorite movie growing up, "Arthur", directed by Steve Gordon was his last effort and again, nobody is the wiser. Why is it that for musicians it takes one three minute song to become a household name, but for filmmakers, you could spend a year making a two hour masterpiece and fall off a cliff the next day and nobody would notice?

Jenkem

2010-02-15T02:28:00.001-08:00

Today I'm researching a documentary on Jenkem, a popular street drug in Zambia which consists of mixing piss and shit and letting it ferment for a week. Some say the high is even better than glue. So there you go.

Alexander McQueen

2010-02-11T08:39:00.001-08:00

Alexander McQueen has taken his own life. The fashion designer they called "enfant terrible" until only a few years ago is gone. What's the deal here? Usually drugs, right? But what does that mean? Drugs? Was he out of drugs? He had lots of money, he could probably get some more.

In A Tight Spot

2010-02-10T02:16:00.000-08:00

Apparently this is the first real winter in Denmark in fourteen years. There's snow on the ground and everything, which for these fucking morons means they actually have to communicate with other humans, something they're loathe to do and have no inherent capacity for. Take this morning on my walk to the office. I stopped to help a car stuck in the snow. Three men pushing a BMW, no problem. Except the burly dudes I was pushing with didn't know about the "rocking" thing. They just pushed. I'm willing to overlook this stupidity as it's based on a lack of experience. I stopped the team and made the rocking motion and less than ten seconds later the car was moving like it was pulled by a team of six white horses.

Of course, as he's being pushed into traffic, two cars try to drive by in opposite directions - a pretty tight fit. They saw our predicament and sped up, as the notion of courtesy has never and will never exist here. Also, these Danes love squeezing into tight places. They love it. I often wonder if the whole appeal of sticking a dick into an asshole is just about this fascination of cramming big things into small places. Anyways... that same instinct was at work as we pushed this car into the road that was filled with fast moving cars. In a very small space, there was a fuckload of cars and people... a real tight fit if you know what I'm saying. No accident, but pretty damn close.

Childhood Friends

2010-02-03T00:31:00.000-08:00

I wonder if any of my childhood friends are dead? I used to run with a pretty tweaked out bunch of fellers - the cream of the cream of the cream of the nerd crop. Some serious dolts of which I was without question the super-nerd. Wouldn't be surprised to find Nils Ozolins died twisting his ankle playing Nintendo tennis or James Berry got caught cheating in Atlantic City and was thrown out a hotel window. Of all the toolboxes I've known, someone's got to have bit the bucket.

Speaking of dying, I'm heading to a remote island in Denmark this Friday to do a documentary on Satanism. The 3.5 hour ferry to Anholt (google map it for a laugh) doesn't operate on the weekend, so we're stuck there until Monday. I'm fucking scared shitless.

Three Gay Bears

2010-02-01T02:56:00.000-08:00

Walked by the same travel agency and had to stop and look again at this awesome brochure on Canada. The mountie has the fucking hugest mustache and a grin that could only be described as severely homosexual. If there's an abundance of gay Danes traveling to the Canadian wilderness in 2010, getting eaten alive by the three bears and climbing trees, I've got the smoking gun.

Oh Canada

2010-01-29T02:26:00.000-08:00

Just walked past a travel agency and saw a brochure for Canada in the front window. Stopped and took a hard look. There were three pictures - guess what they were.

Picture #1: Snow covered mountains
Picture #2: Mounties on horseback
Picture #3: Three grizzly bears, standing, facing camera

I thought, wow - no Toronto, Montreal... nothing urban. Makes sense though, Europe has no nature. Aside from the Alps, it's just a collection of quaint towns and cultural or industrial cities. There's not even any squirrels or raccoons. Anywhere. There's no wildlife, no "cottage country", no nothing. Just cafes, ashtrays and fuckheads in expensive scarves.

A merde

2010-01-28T15:51:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the pizza shop, which in no way shape or form is Italian. When did pizza cease to have anything to do with Italy? Pizza Pizza - I'm looking in your direction. And would it kill these guys to cut the pizza slices somewhat evenly? It's like that kid in The Royal Tennenbaums that thinks squares are circles. How did so many people that are "shape blind" find jobs in the Kobenhavn pizza business?

I asked for a bag to carry my pizza box, in English, and the guy was kind enough to tell me the Danish translation. I thanked him and said, "jai sprek in lille Dansk", which means "I speak a little Danish" - except "sprek" is fucking Dutch, not Danish. I somehow managed to combine two languages I don't speak into one sentence. The squishhead looked at me like, ""what kind of idiot can't remember five words". A guy who can't cut eight six even slices in a ten inch circle just made me look like a moron.

Reminds me of the time I was working at Angels in Montreal. Was in the washroom when a drunk French guy started yelling and screaming like mad at me. Didn't understand a fucking word he was saying. He finished and stared hard at me waiting for my response, which was, "a merde". He paused, then almost fell over laughing.

Frankly Scarlet

2010-01-26T10:47:00.000-08:00

Love the way people kiss in old movies. Almost as realistic as the way they die, shot fifteen times with no blood. You could knock someone out with a chop to the shoulder. Must have been easy to write.

What's strange is how we've gone from unrealistic, basic and simple portrayals of action and intimacy, then paused for a cup of coffee on "realistic" and shot like a hollow-point bullet to cinema and TV so gritty and harsh there's nothing remotely realistic about it.

Illiterate Jesus

2010-01-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

Just figured out why Christianity is more popular than ever in the States. Jesus was illiterate. He's completely non-threatening to a very large number of people, like a few other current popular American figures - Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Rev. Pat Robertson. Even better for Him - everybody wrote about Jesus, while He didn't write jack shit. Makes Him look great. Like when you talk up a buddy of yours to a girl. Works every time.

No big deal that He couldn't write - most people couldn't at the time. The guy was apparently a great talker and that's gotta count for something. Not sure the people that follow Jesus' teachings are great readers themselves. Looks like they may be missing the point. Try and explain how 99.9% of NRA members are Christian. Don't remember the passage in the bible where He talks about filling people full of lead for stealing. It's staggering how mixed up Jesus' original message has gotten. Perhaps that's because He didn't actually write anything down.

The Angels Forget To Pray For Us

2010-01-19T02:00:00.001-08:00

The Vatican recently issued a statement saying they're concerned with the trend of worshipping nature instead of the Holy Trinity. They consider it a dangerous development and condemn the notion of paying homage to something real and vibrant and important versus the blind faith in a particular brand of spirituality. Imagine the consequences of worshipping nature over a made-up story about a man that lived two thousand years ago and had the mental imbalance to claim to be the son of God. In other words, the Vatican is deeply troubled at the growing trend of rational thought. It threatens their business plan.

In recent years, I've come to believe in something, a "force" or "schwartz" if you will - but it's poorly defined and very personal. The ostentatious gall of the Vatican has never given me that itch, but when they go too far, they go too far. Wouldn't it be a great idea for atheists to door to door in a Christian neighborhood?

My Girl In The River

2010-01-18T02:55:00.000-08:00

Had some good alcohols this weekend. Plenty of refreshing pilsner and a tip here and there of medicinal liquor. Got into a groove and found a higher plain. Relaxed and social, I discovered a communication level that had eluded me and found myself connecting to the soul of this place and the people around me, but in particular had some good texts with the big fella back home. It's not that booze can solve all of life's problems, but a few well placed libations can certainly put a thing or two in perspective.

Here's what I'm talking about. I'd been struggling of late, not entirely satisfied with my purpose in life. The movie business seemed to be a false prophet. Somehow, buried within my half drunk ramblings on this or that, I found my place as a story teller - not to others, but myself. Not the center of attention, but as observer and participant. Good inner dialogue is what I'm talking about. I found a little of my voice, albeit a sometimes angry one. I found that stories are important. They mean something. Stories strongly suggest that the teller has "lived", which in the simplest terms I can fathom, is what life is about.

A Clean Somethingorother

2010-01-14T09:36:00.001-08:00

Just found out the Danish aren't huge on washing their hands. Even after taking a shit. Seriously. One guy said proudly, "maybe if my finger breaks through the toilet paper I'll give it a quick rinse." I think I need to throw up now. It's like a bad horror movie, but instead of seeing dead people, everywhere I look I see feces stains.

Alomar cont'd.

2010-01-13T04:17:00.000-08:00

This from the New York Daily News...

Baseball great Roberto Alomar has full-blown AIDS but insisted on having unprotected sex, his ex-girlfriend charged Tuesday in a bombshell lawsuit.

The shocking claim was leveled by Ilya Dall, 31, who said she lived with the ex-Met for three years and watched in horror as his health worsened.

In papers filed in state and federal court, Dall said Alomar finally got tested in January 2006 while suffering from a cough, fatigue and shingles.

"The test results of him being HIV-positive was given to him and the plaintiff on or about Feb.6, 2006," the $15 million negligence suit says.

Nine days later, the couple went to see a disease specialist who discovered a mass in the retired second baseman's chest, the court papers say.

Alomar's skin had turned purple, he was foaming at the mouth and a spinal tap "showed he had full-blown AIDS," the suit says.

Alomar, 41, who quit baseball over health issues in 2005, could not be reached for comment.

Robbie Alomar

2010-01-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

Remember the girl with the attitude at McGill that was soooooooo proud of herself for "dating" Robbie Alomar? When he hit that home run off Eckersly and the Jays ended up winning the World Series - she acted like she invented sports and was impossible to deal with. You know the one I'm talking about - she had an ugly sister and we always used to wonder how the hell two sisters could look so fucking different.

Anyway, word on the street is Robbie isn't exactly at the top of his game these days. But let's not hit a man when he's down. But holy shit, I'd like to see this girl bragging now about "dating" a guy who must have about 10,000 notches on his belt. Where's your big hair attitude now sister?

I think I over-think things

2010-01-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not the best gambler in the world, not the worst either. One thing I could never handicap was wrestling. Obviously it's fixed, but the game used to be to guess who they wanted to win. I was always picking the guy with the full name, like "Arnold Lewis" even when he fought somebody in a full costume called, "The Iron Mystery Truck Man" or whatever. I always figured that the WWF knew it was too obvious to have the Arnold's lose every time, which of course they did. Once at McGill I lost $60 to a guy named "Sticks" watching Wrestlemania#69 at Annies. I didn't get one right. To this day I wonder if we were watching a repeat.

Mad World

2010-01-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

We live in one motherfucker of a mad world. A friend of mine here in the Dk's Dad just died. He'd been knighted by the queen and given a medal to commemorate the honor. My buddy just got a letter in the mail saying that he is now obliged to return his Father's medal promptly.

At times, I'm convinced this is the worst place in the world. Another guy I work with - his wife just had to quit her job because her boss took pictures of his cock and then made her look at them. Twenty three pictures in all. Brutal.

Other times, I think this is a pretty decent place. Nobody j-walks, or runs red lights. Everything is so orderly. Tipping service staff is frowned upon and considered an insult. Theatre tickets are reserved in advance along with your specific seat. Everything is clean and neat and if I hadn't been here long enough to see and hear the stories that boil up from under the surface, I'd think this is a special place where nothing ever goes wrong, which is obviously not the case. Like everywhere else, Denmark is a mad, mad world.

New And Much Much Worse

2010-01-04T05:45:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the new and improved 2010 version of imissthisguy. The changes to the layout took my entire holiday to generate in a sophisticated graphics program I wrote on a cocktail napkin and faxed to Bill Gates sailboat in Tampa. He forwarded said napkin, by way of carrier pigeon to Texas Instruments Key Largo headquarters where fourteen hundred Chinese-Mexicans spent Christmas Eve translating the message to Spanish, for no particular reason. Hope you like.

With the new decade upon us, let us resolve here and now to usher in an era of idiotic behavior and a general lack of courtesy towards others. Let's make the "10's" make the "80's" look like a time of kindness, conservative consumption and consideration. Let's amp up the head butting and tequila snarts. Let's take up fisting as a hobby. Let's get it out of our eco-systems, before we do any material damage. In other words, let the games begin.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-15T02:49:00.000-08:00

The big story here in Denmark is of course the environment conference in town. Until a few decades ago, Denmark was almost as important as Canada, with their massive land holdings that included Greenland and north of Norway.

As the story goes, one night in the 70's, an important minister was negotiating with Norway and signed a treaty selling a vast territory, for a small sum of money. The Danish official was apparently drunk out of his mind when he signed the document and now that territory is worth billions in oil and water reserves - perhaps the worst property deal in modern history. Denmark will be out of oil in 15 years and Norway is now the richest country in the world on a per capita basis and has enough oil to make a Saudi jealous. Lessons to be learned for this coming holiday season - if you're drunk, don't sign anything.

Hard to believe 2010 is only a few weeks away. This will be my last post until the new decade and want to say thanks to everyone that visits and posts. I'll be in Toronto Dec 24 - Jan 2 and hope to see you for a couple of cocktails.

Happy Holidays.

Bennifer

2009-12-11T02:34:00.001-08:00

As the first decade of the millennium toilet bowls to its conclusion, it's safe to say this hasn't been our best ten year meal deal. America had a particularly bad time of it - at one point, Ben Affleck and J. Lo were considered the best actors and top celebrity couple and George W. Bush was a popular president. Could they have picked any worse? No, really? If they chose a chiuaua as president and went tabloid crazy over a married pair of old man farts, they'd at least have expressed a sense of irony and might have done less damage to the countries reputation.

As we get a bit of distance from this decade, wouldn't be surprised if it makes the 80's seem like a sensible period of cultural and political history.

John Daly

2009-12-09T02:31:00.000-08:00

Just read John Daly has lost over 100 pounds and is apparently living a clean, normal life and making his way back into golf. He's "writing" a book and there's talk of a movie on his life. When asked, John suggested Matt Damon would be his choice of actor. No shit. If you've ever heard Daly talk, you know what a complete moron the guy is, but still, his transformation is notable.

If someone would have said twelve months ago that Daly would be where he is and Tiger would be where he is, I would have punched that someone in the kidneys to teach them a lesson not to say dumb things.

Perhaps it's too soon to suggest that people do actually change, but what is clearly a certainty is that our perception of people changes. And it changes often.

Amsterdam

2009-12-08T03:42:00.000-08:00

The Dutch recently celebrated their Christmas style day, "Sinterklaas Dag" or something like that... It involves Santa, a horse and a bunch of people in blackface pretending to be elves. That's right, blackface elves. They're short and they're in blackface and they're helping a fat guy in red. It's so perfect I want to cry. The elves' job is to help Santa onto the horse and do other laborious tasks, while looking freaky and short on sleep. No reindeer, no bag of gifts, just a bunch of weird, trippy shit and strong liquor. And there's a guy named Black Pete, but not really sure what he does. Maybe he controls the blackface situation.

Dutch racism is so completely blatant and in your face, it blows me away that nobody seems to have a problem with it. I know a black guy in Amsterdam and he probably has a party to celebrate just how fucking hilarious and wrong the concept is. Motherfucker just rolls with it. My Dad has the same idea, making Jew jokes left and right. So, who are these people we read about that object to Christmas Trees in schools and other displays of ethnicity and where the fuck do they come from? Why object when you can embrace the chaos?

Was watching a positive news story on Denmark the other day and felt a strange, "twank". Perhaps it was pride, but I doubt it. Later, I felt twisted inside - can you be nationalistic to more than one country? Obviously, I could give fuck all about Denmark, but there's something inside of us that wants to feel like our home is a special place. It's as bizarre as it is fundamental. You can have pride in your city, your school, your district, your province, your country... where does it end? Better yet, where does it begin?

Sports = Redonkulous

2009-12-05T02:47:00.000-08:00

Well, it's European handball playoff season over here. I think. Who can fucking tell? Women's handball is more popular than men's, at least on TV... Watching the German channel right now - they've got the cross country skiing thing with the guns like it's the most important event in the history of mankind. There's a Canadian woman somewhere. Oh look, she's in 112th place.

Are all sports... dumb? Probably. I can remember the look on artsy dudes faces walking by the ballpark - they weren't thinking baseball looked cool. I used to think, "fuck the artsy guys - they don't know shit". But, maybe the slick fuckwads had a point? When I think back to the games I played as an only child, throwing a tennis ball against the wall, making up some idiotic system where Canada would narrowly beat Russia in dramatic fashion, if I could throw the ball so it bounced in a puddle or in between two cracks - what's the difference between a dumbass game and a professional sport? What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

That said, I absolutely love the Leafs, no matter how crap they are. The NFL isn't bad either.

Tiger

2009-12-03T06:22:00.000-08:00

Bet you guys are sick of the Tiger Woods stuff in the news. It's a non-event over here. Saw one little thing about it. It's not that Tiger isn't huge here, these fucksticks just have a different idea about dealing with personal stuff in the media. I'm not suggesting it's wrong to care what's going on in Tiger's life, but somewhere along the way we've lost our perspective. Just because someone is on your TV all the time, doesn't make him your friend. His image may be in your living room, but he doesn't know who the fuck you are and you don't deserve to know shit he doesn't want you to. Lucky Tiger's a golfer - that sports fan base is probably the only one that could keep a sense of decency about the whole unfortunate incident.

Toronto

2009-12-02T06:07:00.000-08:00

Holy fucking shit am I looking forward to coming back to Toronto this Christmas. I don't think anyone, ever has been this excited about heading to Toronto. I'm getting anxious and it's three weeks and a day away. I'm looking forward to...

1) Male bonding
2) Ghandi butter chicken roti
3) Casual cocktails
4) Swatow sweet and sour chicken with rice
5) Family blah blah blah
6) Friendly gamesmanship with colleagues
7) California meatball sandwich
8) Trainspotting
9) Christmas punch injestilization
10) Bar drinking

Random

2009-12-01T04:41:00.001-08:00

Random stuff today...

Leaving the apartment this morning, my nostrils filled with pungent curry odors. The Indian neighbors below were hard at work in the kitchen. Who knew they ate curry for breakfast? Apparently it's not just a dinner thing.

Hesitating to call a handyman to fix the dishwasher. It's always so embarrassing when they show up - another man in the house to fix something I can't. I never know what to say, but always act as manly as possible, pretending to watch the procedure so I'll be able to do it my self next time (no chance). I'll offer the guy a beer and slap him on the back when it's fixed, maybe itch my crotch a few times to let him know I'm not the pussy I so obviously look like.

Why do all Southern USA sports last eight seconds? Bull riding, drag racing... These people have no attention span.

Danish TV sucks ass, but for some reason at 1am, the best eight shows on TV are shown simultaneously. Assholes.

Pepe Le Pew

2009-11-30T04:30:00.000-08:00

One of the benefits of having a European address is the ability to spend a weekend in Paris. Less than a two hour flight, it was about five hours door to door, with no time change or jetlag bullshit to deal with. It was a rainy weekend and not high season for tourists, so it was possible to get decent deals and feel like a local. A ten Euro gift from my favorite Uncle spent itself on pastry and drink.

Through the rain, the lights shimmered all the same and Christmas adornments were in full spread. We fought for taxi's, walked a million miles and rode the Metro like locals and were the Hercules of fitting in. That said, no place like Paris has the ability to make you feel like an uncultured peasant in a fleeting look - so much so, I was feeling insulting glares where they weren't and went off my game in a few places - the drawbacks of being a paranoid half-jew.

But with setback comes a thickening of skin and rally. We found good form in early morning drinks and jazz. I got my hands dirty, tasting cheese and fingering old novels and poetry. The skies opened and the little wind there was packed it in. Paris, the unforgiving animal became Paris, the village. Buildings leaned towards us in greeting. As sure as frogs speak French, we hit full stride as it was time to go. But like all good things, the "city of lights" we left wanting more - more of its abuse and more well fought praise.

In The Loop

2009-11-27T01:24:00.000-08:00

"In The Loop" looks like a potentially awesome movie. Unfortunately, I've seen half the thing on youtube just watching clips that are up and now I'm gonna have to wait six months to see the thing. So, do yourself a favor and don't watch the clip below, but do see, "In The Loop".

Thanks for all the birthday wishes and stuff and have a good weekend and I'll smell ya next week.

Both Kinds

2009-11-24T05:11:00.001-08:00

Let's see how good I am at making up an excuse for sticking in this clip from The Blues Brothers...

Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.

Frasier Dog

2009-11-24T01:56:00.000-08:00

Holy fuck the people here are hard to crack. They're perfectly nice now that they know me, but the connection is entirely superficial and skin deep. There's an dog in our office, Scooter, and the fucking thing pulls this move where if I bend over to pet it, he walks away just as I'm about to get there. This happened twice, which is fully embarrassing, and I can't fucking believe a dog beat me that easily. He trotted off like Bambi.

I suck.

Blue German Balls

2009-11-22T04:59:00.000-08:00

We get a couple of German TV channels here and.. well.. I hate to generalize and stuff, but I think we need to attack Germany. Kind of a pre-emptive thing. Things are starting to brew over there and it's a matter of a decade or two, at most, before these fuckwads try and take over the world again. They can't help it. These are the most unsocial, unsympathetic people on the planet and they have a severe superiority complex.

Having gone almost two whole generations without trying to exterminate half the planet, Germany can barely contain their German feelings towards showing everybody how fucking awesome they are at killing shit and taking notes... They've got blue balls for world domination.

My Fat Ass

2009-11-20T05:54:00.000-08:00

Did some acting in a corporate video yesterday - a favor to a friend. Played the part of a guy eating a burger and fries at his desk. The video was in Danish, but I had one line... "hi" - the international word for suck my tits.

I fucking nailed the line and didn't even need to read it from a teleprompter. But, I'm stuck thinking these Danes think I'm a fatass, cuz why else would they cast me as hamburger dude?

What am I forgetting?

2009-11-18T11:51:00.001-08:00

A website I write for has asked for a "top ten films of the decade list". Not a huge list fan (they're insulting) and I've got half a mind to write some bullshit error-filled, pile-up that puts Casa Blanca number three behind Shrek and any Mastercard Ad. But, let's stick with the program and play by the rules, for no reason beyond I'm too lazy and I like movies too fucking much...

My top three is pretty much locked at:
1. The Royal Tenebaums
2. Punch Drunk Love
3. Borat

I'll fucking kill you if you don't agree with at least one of those.

Then there's a bunch of contenders for the remaining spots:
Kill Bill 2
O Brother Where Art Thou
Adaptation
25th Hour
Lost In Translation
Elephant (trailer below)
Sideways
There Will Be Blood
Black Hawk Down
Man On Wire (documentary)
No Country For Old Men
Away From Her (Canada)
Knocked Up
Wedding Crashers
Je rentre a la maison (I'm Going Home) (France)
Pan's Labyrinth
The Lives of Others
The Squid And The Whale
Ma femme est une actrice (My Wife Is An Actress) (France)
Almost Famous

What am I forgetting??????

Great Great Great Grandfather

2009-11-16T04:27:00.000-08:00

Visited Glasgow for the first time this weekend, a long-time wish considering I'm half Scottish. Was in an alley where my great, great, great grandfather John McGilvray lived in 1825. It's in an area called the Gorbel's and was apparently such a rough spot back then, it was nastier than India and, "no reasonable person would stable their horse there." Everyone warned me ahead of time that it was a tough town and to expect a bar fight or something violent to happen, but I found quite the opposite.

Never met friendlier people in my life - everyone is quick witted and an amateur comedian. They're also the shortest people in the world and it took considerable restraint not to pat them on the head and send 'em looking for charms. Ate haggis and drank scotch and beer like I was preparing for the Highland Games. Found myself in a group of people singing on the street, locked arm in arm - even though we were singing Wonderwall over and over, was still good times. Whenever we got lost, people would walk us to the place we were looking for, then continue on in their own direction. People were as down to earth as I've ever met and when I once thanked a guy for a good conversation, he politely told me we had never spoken, but that I seemed like a nice enough guy and I could chat with him if I wanted to.

Somebody Do Something

2009-11-12T07:52:00.000-08:00

Talk about a slow news day. There's fuck all going on. Let's see... Toblerone came out with a dark chocolate bar. Um... I dunno, the Mike Tyson thingy is a non-event. Danish classes stories have dried up - the Italian guy thinks everyone's gay, so now nobody says shit or laughs. There's a pig farmer in the class - not going to get on his bad side.

I asked him what kind of animals pigs are, "they friendly or interesting?". He said no.

Concrete Poppies

2009-11-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

Miss wearing a poppy this time of year - no such tradition here, where they'd rather forget letting the Nazi's occupy Denmark without so much as a complaint. Normandy is about an hour flight and I think it's safe to say we're a pretty lucky generation to not have to do what those young men had to - not exactly the way a young man should see France for the first time.

Had my own little moment of silence today at 11:11 and have to say that it would be a nice gesture for the locals to show a little respect and display a similar form of remembrance. The official story here is that Hitler didn't give them much choice and was in a piss poor mood when he moved the troops up here - Denmark borders on Germany and was considered a possible location for D-Day. Bunkers remain on the coasts all across the country, perhaps left in place for the next time or as their unique way of remembering what they didn't do - concrete poppies if you will.

David Hasselhoff

2009-11-09T15:29:00.000-08:00

Was flipping channels when I stumbled upon the European MTV music awards, live from Berlin. David Hasselhoff was on stage presenting an award and holy fucking shit was he smashed. There's nothing on youtube yet, but there will be and it's pure gold. Of course he used to be popular there, but Germans have caught onto the fact people think they're idiots for liking his music, so they hate him now. A little late Germany... Again.

It occurred to me this morning I have no idea how this country really works. I've got no feel for the underbelly of this place. Whenever something goes wrong, i just curse the whole damn country and shake my fist in anger. I need a version of the Canadian "Newfy", which according to the locals, are people from Arhus, a city a few islands over. Apparently, those dudes are the butt of all the Danish jokes, like: how do you get a one armed man from Arhus down from a flagpole? Wave at him.

The Little Things

2009-11-07T07:49:00.001-08:00

Four months ago, I was helping a friend's girlfriend paint her apartment. It was just the three of us and we were at it pretty late. I suggested I'd make a run to get some coffee and the girlfriend asked if I'd walk about a kilometer further to get the kind of coffee she likes. When I realized she wasn't joking, I looked at my buddy and said that I'd be back soon - with the coffee that was from around the corner. When I returned, it was obvious he had straightened out his GF about the simple fact that when someone is donating his time painting your apartment, don't boss him around.

Sure enough, their relationship has become a disaster - and it's only in it's sixth or seventh month. That "little" coffee incident told the whole story. I've stopped hanging out with this guy, or at least reduced it to rare events every month or so. Essentially, friendship over. Hand in the friendship documents, cuz we're done here.

Got a phone call yesterday from this dude, asking me over for dinner to his house on Tuesday night to celebrate a Danish holiday tradition where they cook up duck and drink like it's their J-O-B. On the phone he asks me if I can bring a bottle of wine, when I hear in the background, from his girlfriend. "a nice bottle". He doesn't know I can hear it, so doesn't relay the message. At which point she repeats herself more assertively, "a nice bottle". I'm not saying shit, dying to know how the guy is going to respond to this. I'm the master of nice bottles, so the guy has to figure out how to play this, essentially choose between insulting me or his GF. His response? He tells her pointedly, "okay, relax... he (meaning me) doesn't need to be told that."

Can I describe why that exchange makes me so content? No. But, it was a little thing that made me think, for the first time in a while, this guy might not be so bad after all.

The Name Game

2009-11-06T02:35:00.000-08:00

Larry Bort asked for a "worst name" contest, which I'd like to break into specific groups.

1) "Crank Handles" - Names that suggest your parents are unrealistic and potentially on crack: Lexus, Lawyer, Desheniqua...
2) "Metro Monikers" or "Jim Hancock's" - Names that trend towards leaving a young boy with multiple enemies: Maurice, Terrance, Liberace...
3) "Fucking Todd's" - Names of people that suck 100% of the time: Todd, Todd, Todd...

Further suggestions welcome...

Halloween Costume Contest Winner

2009-11-05T06:39:00.000-08:00

Been a little busy this week with a work deadline, so pardon me if I pass today's post to:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/1102091breath1.html

Charlie Chaplin

2009-11-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

Was at a magazine launch Saturday night filled with a whole bunch of Copenhagen fashion victim types. Models with legs so thin you could stir your drink and enough metrosexuals to fill Enrique Iglesias' pool. Was hunkered down at one of the VIP tables stealing vodka from the oversized drink bowl when I met a young dude that couldn't understand why I live in Denmark. I get this a lot and typically fart around with my answer, but this time I was drunk enough to chat something resembling the truth. The guy, whose name was either Jonas or Christian, invited me to a "teenage alcohol party" and seeing that it was still dark outside, I accepted. We walked for a while, like a pack of Japanese shoppers to a house filled with kids half my age. I sat in the back with a few guys and talked about what a bitch the girlfriend of the guy whose house it was (the brother of my drinking buddy).

I went to go tell the guy about his ladies reputation, but got sidetracked because he looked and dressed exactly like Charlie Chaplin (remember he's a fashion victim). I changed course accordingly and insisted that for the rest of the night he remain silent. Every time he spoke, I shook my finger, explaining fashion is serious and if he's going to go for a certain look, he had to go all the way.

H*ly Fucking Shit - imissthisguy 1 Year Anniversary

2009-10-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a year or something in that neighborhood of imissthisguy and I'd like to start this post by saying thanks. I've got a shitload more out of this than I've put in. We've had people from all over the world stumble to this thing in one way or another, but much much more than anything else it's been a way to talk to the people that matter most in an informal, jocular laid back way - a meager but effective replication of life back in T.O.. Some technology isn't bad... Thanks for reading.

It's Halloween, of course, but you wouldn't know that here in Denmark - there's no such thing. I complained about this to a few guys at work and they took the bait, criticizing the holiday for being commercial, lame and for kids. I smiled the smile you get when you know you're going to put people in their goddamn place. I explained, sure Halloween is cool for kids, grabbing candy, decorating pumpkins, cooking pumpkin seeds - all that shit is neither here nor there. But then you stop trick or treating when you're about 12 and you think the whole thing is over. Maybe you hand out candies and feel like a grown up. I sure did, often wearing a blazer and smoking a pipe.

I continued to explain, the real Halloween - the Halloween these Danish douches don't know about, gets going when you're around 17. It's when the surreal, take mushrooms and freak yourself out parties get up to speed. Year after year, what party was better than Halloween for tripping the fuck out and and getting sur-fucking-real? Always, always, always the party fo the year. The thinking mans New Years Eve. In our 30's the mood changed from shrooms and joke costumes to gegootz, lingerie for the ladies and... joke costumes (think: Mr. Canoe Head).

There is a holiday in Denmark this weekend - they release the Christmas beer today and it's a pretty massive party across the country. I suppose an argument could be made that beer is the "candy" of Denmark. After all, children here are only allowed (by their parents) to eat candy on Friday and Saturday - the candy is called Haribo and it's disgusting (black licorice). I went to a grocery store to get some Christmas beer and when I checked out saw it came to 189 kroner for 6 bottles ($36 CDN). I asked if there was a mistake and twenty minutes later (and a HUGE line-up) the guy realized he had charged me for six, six-packs. Another ten minutes later, I was out of there with a full refund and the beer, again getting more out of it than I put in.

Happy Anniversary

Graduation

2009-10-30T04:31:00.000-07:00

It's funny the little hierarchies and systems that develop in a small social environment like our Danish class. Yesterday, the Italian guy moved from sitting beside the guy from Nepal, to my direct left. Now the class has all white guys on one side and dark guys on the other, like we're a basketball team in the 1950's. The Italian guy was probably sick of sitting next to Nepal guy who is the most uniquely talented shit disturber I've ever met. He keeps on asking for Danish words to tell his wife he's cheating on her (she doesn't speak Danish).

I've advanced from level 1A Danish to level 1B, which is basically like making it from Kindergarten to grade 1. The teacher said I'm doing well... here are a few things I've learned: Jeg vil gerne have en ol - I would like to have a beer. Eva er altid pa toilet - Eva is always on the toilet.

I Don't Have Any Apples At Home

2009-10-28T05:02:00.000-07:00

I broke out in a solo fit of laughter during last nights Danish class. Everyone stared. The teacher asked me what my problem was and if I was feeling okay. I wasn't laughing that hard, so I replied the sentences we learn are appealing to my abstract sense of humour in a way I can't easily describe (see title of this post).

Thank God for the guy from Nepal, cuz he started laughing too. We looked at each other and lost it, slapping the table and making general asses of ourselves. This guy is the best - he's always smiling and every question he asks in class makes absolutely no Gaddamn sense. The teacher asks him to repeat himself again and again until I start to laugh and we can move on. I guess this time he felt like he was coming to my rescue.

We're the only ones that laugh (at all) and it's getting a little uncomfortable. If clowns shot out of my dick, the Iranian guy beside me wouldn't crack a smile. How can he not see the humour in this shit - if you want to say it's 5:35, in Danish, you say it's five minutes past thirty minutes before six.

Ballflubbery Jones

2009-10-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

Saw this clip on thedanzatap yesterday and consider it the highest form of cinema. Few 43 second films have expressed such a complete story with beginning, middle and end as this shinning example of rhetorical ballflubbery. We live in compelling times my friends.

It's About Time

2009-10-26T06:02:00.001-07:00

So, the clocks changed here over the weekend - daylight savings time, or as the locals playfully refer to it, "6oqeirjnfgvipfaj nv;pnasdf;jlnivbad14alkfjsv;zc". Of course, I knew all about this time change because of the incredible stream of information available to me in English, which contradicts the fact I just realized the time changed, about 36 hours after it happened. I'll let you guess which is the truth. Things move slow here to begin with, often by the time I hear about it... old news. Did you guys know OJ's back in jail? Apparently Michael Jackson is planning a big tour next year - I'm going to buy some tickets. I predict a fast start for the Toronto Maple Leafs, if anyone wants to place a wager.

A Bird Named Friday

2009-10-23T01:49:00.000-07:00

Was biking to work and stopped at a red when a crow landed on top of the stop light. Tried to grab my phone to take a picture of the pitch black bird spitting down on the world against a gray cloud canvas. But bike traffic is fierce here and as I shuffled out of the way, the bird felt me move close and flapped away. Like most evil things, posing for pictures aren't a part of their operation.

I turned my rusty two wheeler to the lakeside path and took in the scenery, moving a little slower than usual. A young girl walked arm in arm with her grandfather and stopped so he could say something significant. A string of children holding hands marched. A swan shook the water from its feathers, then it started to rain. I looked up to the sky and there, hovering a safe distance overhead, was the crow. "Hello Friday", I said and took a sharp left off the path and into the city maze.

GOLF

2009-10-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

Read today that the etymology of the word "golf" is the acronym, "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden". Didn't believe it, so I looked it up and sure enough... not true. Had me there for a minute.

What else, what else... Read a script for an old boss of mine and she told me some of my advice was rhetorical. From now on, I'm telling people they're rhetorical. How fucking awesome of an insult is that?

Balance

2009-10-21T00:43:00.000-07:00

I think we've pretty much given up. As little as thirty years ago, sensible people would take to the street to protest various obvious inequities in society and the world. These days, we don't bother. It's not that we're lazy - it's just that we realize there's nothing we can do and our energy is best spent elsewhere. Stopping to eat meat or drive a car or protesting to encourage policy on reduced carbon emissions isn't going to change jack shit. Our planet is completely fucked and standing on Yonge Street with a sign isn't going to change that. Like being on your 23rd vodka, we're past the point of no return.

Layne

2009-10-19T15:05:00.001-07:00

Ummmmm..... Alice In Chains is coming out with a new album. Pretty interesting news considering the lead singer was found dead in his hotel room what, like six years ago? He was so fucked up on junk and dead for so long his carcass was literally deep fried - amazing how the band has been able to regroup after that. That's science for ya. Or maybe this is one of those Hollywood prequel things where this album will be the album before their first album?

Let's Do It Live

2009-10-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

Trying to write a kids TV show and have to think back to my younger years. Strangely, some of the more memorable moments involve being scared senseless of my Dad's booming "angry" voice. Playing a T-ball game in piss soaked pants was a highlight. My Dad was a good parent and I love him like crazy, but when I think back about how scared I was of the guy it doesn't make sense. The math doesn't work. As far as I was concerned, the guy was stronger than ten rabid gorilla's and meaner too.

The Ladies

2009-10-16T11:05:00.001-07:00

I remember a class at McGill where the teacher explained how men and women think differently by drawing (on the chalkboard) a straight line to show mens linear thinking and a oval to describe women's circular thought patters. Ironically, the way the sexes think, when illustrated, looks somewhat like our genitalia. But, perhaps that's all about to change (the way we think, not our sex organs).

Isn't the straightforward nature of man communication the result of thousands of years of military and sports training? Evolution hasn't afforded us dudes too much time to talk while under attack or trying to move a ball down a field. We've learned to abbreviate and treasure an economy of language. But aren't women playing more sports than ever before? Aren't they in the military? How long before the illustration of the way men and women think are two straight lines? It's not going to happen anytime soon, but it may happen. Imagine.

Good or bad?

NOOB - this clip is for you:

Bad Toilets Equal Blog

2009-10-16T00:49:00.001-07:00

Main difference between life in North America and here in the old world has to be the amount of time spent on the shitter. Back home, you get a nice bowl and a nice seat and soft toilet paper with drawings embroidered and reading material and central heating in the winter to make sure the seat doesn't create a shock to your anus region. My Dad could sit in there for hours, reading and composing new theories. He'd come out two days later looking refreshed and completely satisfied.

Here, the seat is less than half the width than normal, so you can barely sit, let alone relax on the thing. If you shift one gram of weight, you could drop right in. The paper is so rough, if you're not careful it will cut your hand. There's no such things as fans in toilets, so they make sure there's a healthy draft coming in through the uninsulated window. And of course, there's basically no water in the bowl. I'm typically in and out in just over the amount of time it takes to piss.

It's not such a bad thing. With all this free time on my hands, I've taken up leatherworking, learned to fly, trained chickens to dance and started a blog.

Captain Lou Albano

2009-10-15T02:56:00.000-07:00

Nothing used to piss my Dad off more than when I'd watch wrestling. Three hours later he'd still be wondering aloud how he raised me to be a houligan. I was six.

Captain Lou Albano passed recently, well known as the manager with the most elastic bands in his face. Who were the other good managers? There was the music guy with the piano tie. And there was Ted Dibiasi, the million dollar man. Wonder how that million dollars is doing?

Lou's celebrity crossed beyond the upside down doors of the wrestling world, playing Cindy Laupers Dad in the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video. He was from the vaudville school of horseshit and could have easily been a circus barker or a senator... in other words, he was an original houligan.

The Man With No Brain

2009-10-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

I've got fuck all today. Someone tell me a fucking story in the comments section. Thanks.

Randy Quaid

2009-10-12T04:15:00.000-07:00

Worked on a movie with Randy Quaid once and was not evenly remotely surprised to see he and his nut-job, former model wife Evi have been arrested for failure to pay a $10,000 hotel bill. This guy is trouble everywhere he goes and last year was the first Oscar nominee to ever get thrown out of the actors union for behavior unbecoming an actor. Think about that for a minute. And his wife might be worse.

He was relatively well behaved while in Canada, considering what he's proven capable of. Some highlights include, showing up to his five star hotel room, taking the gift basket, and checking himself into a more expensive five star hotel room. Another good one was when he showed up for rehearsal, two days before we started shooting and he insisted his character had an Australian accent. Funny thing is, he nailed the accent and it actually gave the character more depth and back story and it improved the film. I'm still trying to figure out how his hotel room bullshit made the movie better.

Germs

2009-10-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

Was watching a show on Discovery and they did this experiment that shows how germs get spread around the house and shit like that. They made a big deal about sneezing and not rubbing your eyes and how to wash your hands and use hot water. By the end of it, my head was spinning. Germs are fucking everywhere and there's basically fuck all we can do about it. What kind of a balloon head thinks that if they're super careful, they won't get any germs?

Number one, they're invisible. You can't see 'em and they move in all kinds of ways all over the place. How the fuck are you going to avoid that? Number two, there are fucking billions of them. Blink and you just killed a million germs hanging out on your eyelids. Number three, and this is critical, germs are fucking idiots. They don't care if you kill them with powerful shit. All they'll do is get immune to that powerful shit and come back the next day all fresh and ready to do their thing.

Long story short, relax. And stop giving a crap about shit you can't do nothing about. Your welcome.

Below, an old favorite (that has nothing to do with germs)...

Seven Letter Words

2009-10-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

I was in language class the other night when a guy pulled a real kiss-ass maneuver. I thought to myself, "fucking browner" - a word that hadn't crossed my mind in at least a decade. "Browner", as in short for "brown noser", meaning that the guy, figuratively, sticks his nose in teachers asses. The word also implies this is something the teacher would enjoy having done, giving you two landed insults for just one, seven letter word. Good value if you ask me. Better than the four letter words. Sometimes, you have to spend letters to make gravy if you follow my train of thought here. Which you probably don't, you morons.

Snart Part 2

2009-10-07T01:36:00.000-07:00

From this point, if there's an interesting tidbit I learn about the Danish language, I'm going to keep it to myself. Nobody cares. Obviously. By the way, they don't have a word for please here - what a rude bunch of fuckers. Ooops. Sorry.

I said I wasn't going to talk about language and I meant it. But, isn't language amazing? Being here, surrounded by these people that talk like they have live fish in their mouth, I feel repeatedly and majorly blessed to have grown up with English. In our language, we always have the perfect word to describe what we want. If we don't, we can make one up (majorly) and you'll get the idea. Here, they have a fraction of the words and have to use inflection to express varying degrees. Having a crap language looks frustrating - we should be thankful. What's worse, is that most people speak English here, so they know their language is shit. They have this guilty look when talking in their mother tongue which says, "I know this is fucking idiotic - don't look".

Snart

2009-10-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

So there I was, biking to work, when I see a new store being built around the corner from the office. I gave it a good look, admiring the half-ass workmanship on the facade and the complete lack of safety procedures or factoring of pedestrian traffic. Then, out of the blue, like a lightning bolt of awesomeness, was the sign, "auben snart", which I have confirmed means, "open soon". Can you fucking believe they use the word, "snart"?!?!

That little word situation has a million uses. Watch. "God, my snart is iching like a motherfucker". Or, "If you don't give me back my ladle, I'm going to snart you so bad." Try, "We're late - let's get the snart outta here".

FCK

2009-10-05T00:24:00.000-07:00

Went to my first football (soccer) game on Sunday. Asked for a ticket in the "rowdy" section and caught the live action between FCK (Kobenhavn Fotbal Club) and Esbjey. Sat next to a plumber from Poland that invited me to his house (I accepted, but didn't take down his details). You can smoke in the stadium, a privilege almost all took advantage of and most were enjoying drink of the golden variety.

The opposition goalie was given a red card less than a minute into the game and Santin (the guy who's name is on the team scarf I bought) potted a penalty shot and another to help the home squad to a 2-1 win. But, the real shit worth watching was in the stands. I'd say 80% of fans were male skinheads - not exactly the image you get when you think of Copenhagen - but they're around and they look fucking nasty. Before and after the game, the players applaud the fans by pointing their "claps" towards the stands - it's a "feel good", borderline popo moment that's a decent metaphor for the sport.

Marble Mouth

2009-10-02T05:11:00.000-07:00

Had my first test in a while - how do you say disaster in Danish? Whoever designed this language needs to rethink the whole situation. I feel like I need to speak to the (Danish language) manager and get some kind of a refund or free meal.

In the language class I'm sitting near a British guy that just had ear surgery. He had all the bones replaced by some plastic stuff and he can't hear very well. The teacher thinks he's retarded. I heard his stomach make a very small noise, but he must of thought the whole class could hear it because he interrupted the lesson to apologize. People had no idea what he was talking about and when they pressed him about the apology, the guy refused to explain his mistake.

To give a brief idea of how odd Danish is, to write the English word, "you", requires only a capital "I" - in other words the opposite of the way we say it. But, that's not all, the way they say "I" sounds like our "E". Long story short, this shit is fucking with my head.

The Buzz

2009-10-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Larry Bort for mailing in today's news item about the Turkish bees. Long story short, a truck with bees in it crashed and the bees stung the living shit out of the survivors and rescue workers. No video available.

Got stung by my first bee about a month ago. Another useless item off my list. I accidentally sat on the fucker, which it apparently wasn't a big fan of. Hurt less than I thought and the bump went away in just a few days. No big deal. How little things like bees can make humans freak out captures our species paradox beautifully. An elephant can take on a pack of tigers to protect it's young, but God forbid a mouse should cross its path.

Life Is A Game

2009-09-30T00:59:00.000-07:00

Weird being in a classroom again (for Danish lessons). Some guy's cellphone kept ringing, driving the teacher nuts. One dude actually took a cellphone call... what a shit disturber. I shook my head in disgust and gave him the hairy eyeball.

Took about 2.5 hours before my first "in class" reprimand. I commented to the Australian dude on the left of me, "silent letters, sure, but these guys have silent words", when I heard a big "shhhhhhh" from the teacher. The guy who had taken the phone call looked at me and winked. Then, I remembered - for some, classrooms are just a place to jerk around. It all flooded back to me, long-lost feelings of anarchy and mischief. It felt good.

The Indian guy sitting on my right kept putting his bag of groceries in front of me, so I kicked the fucking thing over. During a break he started chatting to me and kept asking super personal questions which I deflected like Felix Potvin pre 1993. He was telling me he's been dating a girl for 14 years, since he was 12, and that they've only kissed once and it was just a peck. He comes from a traditional family and blah, blah, blah, the guy had a LOT of energy.

No Comprende

2009-09-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

First intensive Danish lesson tonight. Four hours in a classroom, twice a week. Twelve hours of homework a week. Exams. I'm looking forward to this like having dinner with Mike Tyson on a coke binge. I'd just stopped having that nightmare where I haven't done my homework, or studied for the exam, or remembered where the exam hall is, or taken any notes all year.

So, why do it, right?

I'm getting sick and tired of not knowing what the fuck people are saying around me. And yes, I'm quite aware that there will be a time, should I learn the language, that I'll crave not having a clue what these bastards are mumbling on about. I might need to get in a time machine to the time before I spoke this marble-mouthed tongue.