Germs

Was watching a show on Discovery and they did this experiment that shows how germs get spread around the house and shit like that. They made a big deal about sneezing and not rubbing your eyes and how to wash your hands and use hot water. By the end of it, my head was spinning. Germs are fucking everywhere and there's basically fuck all we can do about it. What kind of a balloon head thinks that if they're super careful, they won't get any germs?

Number one, they're invisible. You can't see 'em and they move in all kinds of ways all over the place. How the fuck are you going to avoid that? Number two, there are fucking billions of them. Blink and you just killed a million germs hanging out on your eyelids. Number three, and this is critical, germs are fucking idiots. They don't care if you kill them with powerful shit. All they'll do is get immune to that powerful shit and come back the next day all fresh and ready to do their thing.

Long story short, relax. And stop giving a crap about shit you can't do nothing about. Your welcome.

Below, an old favorite (that has nothing to do with germs)...

Seven Letter Words

I was in language class the other night when a guy pulled a real kiss-ass maneuver. I thought to myself, "fucking browner" - a word that hadn't crossed my mind in at least a decade. "Browner", as in short for "brown noser", meaning that the guy, figuratively, sticks his nose in teachers asses. The word also implies this is something the teacher would enjoy having done, giving you two landed insults for just one, seven letter word. Good value if you ask me. Better than the four letter words. Sometimes, you have to spend letters to make gravy if you follow my train of thought here. Which you probably don't, you morons.

Snart Part 2

From this point, if there's an interesting tidbit I learn about the Danish language, I'm going to keep it to myself. Nobody cares. Obviously. By the way, they don't have a word for please here - what a rude bunch of fuckers. Ooops. Sorry.

I said I wasn't going to talk about language and I meant it. But, isn't language amazing? Being here, surrounded by these people that talk like they have live fish in their mouth, I feel repeatedly and majorly blessed to have grown up with English. In our language, we always have the perfect word to describe what we want. If we don't, we can make one up (majorly) and you'll get the idea. Here, they have a fraction of the words and have to use inflection to express varying degrees. Having a crap language looks frustrating - we should be thankful. What's worse, is that most people speak English here, so they know their language is shit. They have this guilty look when talking in their mother tongue which says, "I know this is fucking idiotic - don't look".

Snart

So there I was, biking to work, when I see a new store being built around the corner from the office. I gave it a good look, admiring the half-ass workmanship on the facade and the complete lack of safety procedures or factoring of pedestrian traffic. Then, out of the blue, like a lightning bolt of awesomeness, was the sign, "auben snart", which I have confirmed means, "open soon". Can you fucking believe they use the word, "snart"?!?!

That little word situation has a million uses. Watch. "God, my snart is iching like a motherfucker". Or, "If you don't give me back my ladle, I'm going to snart you so bad." Try, "We're late - let's get the snart outta here".

FCK

Went to my first football (soccer) game on Sunday. Asked for a ticket in the "rowdy" section and caught the live action between FCK (Kobenhavn Fotbal Club) and Esbjey. Sat next to a plumber from Poland that invited me to his house (I accepted, but didn't take down his details). You can smoke in the stadium, a privilege almost all took advantage of and most were enjoying drink of the golden variety.

The opposition goalie was given a red card less than a minute into the game and Santin (the guy who's name is on the team scarf I bought) potted a penalty shot and another to help the home squad to a 2-1 win. But, the real shit worth watching was in the stands. I'd say 80% of fans were male skinheads - not exactly the image you get when you think of Copenhagen - but they're around and they look fucking nasty. Before and after the game, the players applaud the fans by pointing their "claps" towards the stands - it's a "feel good", borderline popo moment that's a decent metaphor for the sport.

Marble Mouth

Had my first test in a while - how do you say disaster in Danish? Whoever designed this language needs to rethink the whole situation. I feel like I need to speak to the (Danish language) manager and get some kind of a refund or free meal.

In the language class I'm sitting near a British guy that just had ear surgery. He had all the bones replaced by some plastic stuff and he can't hear very well. The teacher thinks he's retarded. I heard his stomach make a very small noise, but he must of thought the whole class could hear it because he interrupted the lesson to apologize. People had no idea what he was talking about and when they pressed him about the apology, the guy refused to explain his mistake.

To give a brief idea of how odd Danish is, to write the English word, "you", requires only a capital "I" - in other words the opposite of the way we say it. But, that's not all, the way they say "I" sounds like our "E". Long story short, this shit is fucking with my head.

The Buzz

Thanks to Larry Bort for mailing in today's news item about the Turkish bees. Long story short, a truck with bees in it crashed and the bees stung the living shit out of the survivors and rescue workers. No video available.

Got stung by my first bee about a month ago. Another useless item off my list. I accidentally sat on the fucker, which it apparently wasn't a big fan of. Hurt less than I thought and the bump went away in just a few days. No big deal. How little things like bees can make humans freak out captures our species paradox beautifully. An elephant can take on a pack of tigers to protect it's young, but God forbid a mouse should cross its path.