Nationalism

The other day I was buying something at a store and the young girl behind the counter said, "jiorovlvnweijolvfhn vjnjn kvjcnfkjvnknj sdafvlskjn" which I figured (slowly) meant, "thirty kroner". So, I said, out loud, "oh. Thirty. Right." I paid and walked away with my good in hand, only to hear her say loudly to me as I walked away, "NIEH (no), iorovlvnweijolvfhn vjnjn kvjcnfkjvnknj sdafvlskjn (thirty kroner)."

The point is, she was upset that I corrected her Danish for my English - the same way we would be if some French asshole visiting Toronto did the same thing in French. The lesson here, is that even people that live in the smallest, shittiest places have national pride. Think about it - even people in the Ukraine get all pumped up when it comes to their miserable little armpit of a country. Probably.

So next time, when you hear someone tell you that a particular place in the world is particularly proud of their heritage, tell them to shut the fuck up. Everywhere in the world is nationalistic. Fucking everywhere. Even the stupid bitch behind the cash in the middle of nowhere, Denmark.

Fifty Eggs

Everybody's talking about this helicopter robbery in Sweden and how these guys basically stole a whole bunch of dough. So much, the authorities won't even say. Over here, you get the sense the mystery robbers are approaching hero status quite quickly. They love a good thief in these parts, which made me think... didn't we (North Americans) used to like thieves too? Didn't we used to place on a pedestal inventive thieves like Bonny and Clyde, or Al Capone or whoever the fuck it was that stole that truck with two million Twoonies in it (have they spent it yet?).

Why don't we anymore? When was the last time in North America a thief or a crook or a robber got some good press?

Bombastic Mendacity

Think I figured out why divorce is so prevalent.

On the plane back to the other side of the pond, I was sitting beside a Mother and her 13 month old infant Ethan. The thing was in a crib in front of us and was trying to crawl out constantly so that it would fall and crack its head open and I would look like an asshole. After three hours of baby watching I fell asleep, exhausted. Long story short, I got a tourists view on how, YES, life does completely change when you have a child. It's a complete loss of freedom.

Now, if you're married with children, if you want to get back half of your free time, just get a divorce. You end up splitting the parenting duties and getting some actual fucking time to yourself. Is it that simple?

I'm surprised the divorce rate isn't 99%.

Monkeys

Feeling like turds today, so I'll just post this video and be on my way.

Vodka Time

Why doesn't one of you Canadian dudes talk to the guy that makes Iceberg Vodka and set up a similar shop, selling at a slighting higher price point with a slightly nicer (high design) bottle? Could make a bunch a dough, east coast style.

Ye Lord

Got a bit of a cold bug, so down for a few days. Being ill typically makes me either a zombie or hyper introspective - i'll let you guess which one this is.

Could you imagine if there actually was a God? What would that mean? Someone or something is watching me type this stupid blog? Some holy entity is reading imissthisguy.com... wow. Awesome. An old holy thing in the clouds just thought about commenting below.

If God actually existed, why would he/she/it send such confusing messages to the humans below? Why mess with our heads like this? If there's a God, he/she/it's not the friendly fucker we've made him out to be, cuz he's definitely screwing with us something fierce. He's got some assholes bowing on the ground in one specific direction, while he's got others wearing funny hats and some even dipping babies in water and doing strange hand gestures in the shape of a cross on their chest. If there's a God, I'd like to see he/she/it direct a movie, cuz it clearly has one fucked up sense of humor.

The Sun

Looks like it's gonna be the last sunny weekend here for a while. The "six month cloud" thing is inching closer and everyone is treating the last bit of sun like it's made out of gold. I don't think anybody even went into work today, they just spread pork fat on their face, crawled down to the waterfront and funneled Tuborg until the sun went down.