Board Games

Been getting some comments lately that the theme of this blog has morphed from its original intent into something less appealing. What was a cute attempt at reliving past legends glory has become a daily (sometimes twice) spiteful tirade against even the littlest annoyance. It's like Bo Derek has transformed into Gary Schandling.

No comment.

Regards

Who was the first clown to close out a letter with, "regards"? Better question, who was the second meatbox to think, "regards, how appropriate - let's make that a trend"? Regards... what does that mean? I regard you. You are noticed.

Dear Sirs,

Please send rations of clean water and ammunition before nightfall.

You are noticed,

Jay Harharwood


How dumb is that? And while we're at it, how much does "sincerely" suck ass? Instead, why not sign off a letter or email, "have fun storming the castle" or "pack your meat in plenty of ice".

Boy George

If I understand karma correctly, it means that if you do good, good will come back to you. If you do bad, bad will happen to you. Sure, people should be encouraged to not fuck each other around, but the concept is seriously flawed.

Number one, no mystical force is keeping score. Number two, the people that are doing good so they have good karma and eventually receive good fortune, are only doing good for spiritual profit. How fucking empty-headed and selfish can these karma douchebags be? Why not do a good thing because its the right thing to do you hippy cocksniffers?

Karma is no different than religion. Do good now, get rewarded later. As if life is some kind of a test.

Movie Theatres That Don't Suck

Movie theaters here are the absolute worst. You need to make a reservation over the phone or online and they give you a specific seat to sit in which is entirely pointless. There's about 20 seats in each theater and the buttons on my 1982 calculator watch were bigger than these screens. Something is messed up with the popcorn - each kernel weighs eight pounds and takes four minutes to chew. You can bring in wine or vodka soda, but there's nowhere to put the glass so when you shift your feet... smash.

It's as if they designed the theaters and the viewing experience with absolutely zero thought, or research. Like these are the first movies ever and nobody has been to a theater before. And try finding these things. They're typically in the basement of a shopping mall or on the third floor of a hospital.

Saturday Afternoon

Hello Monday morning you fucking slut. You arrogant piece of shit. How dare you Monday morning return us from our trips, our patios and our sideways dreams, demarcating the traverse from wonderment to crunch? Go back into your gnarly shell Monday morning - we don't need your kind 'round here no more...

Here's a clip from Kill Bill 2 on the joys of showing up to work...



As an aside...?

Any time a man sits on the toilet, there's gonna be some dirt flying. Obviously. But the ladies have a different challenge, don't they? At what juncture exactly do they decide if they're gonna make a poop or a piss? Is it a last minute judgment call or do they steady their resolve in advance? I'm not sure I could deal with this kind of uncertainty. How could one sit on the toilet and not deuce it out? I say, whole new respect for women.

Foot Long's

I've heard that different races of people have different penis sizes. Why is that? What is the science here? At first, one might just assume it's natures sense of fairness shining through.

I think it has something to do with air temperature. Isn't evolution about survival? If your tribe is from a moist, soft, juicy area, then one might assume the woman's reproductive bits don't need to be too far away from the outside of doors. Hence, men from moist regions have little itty bitty wieners. The opposite is true for desert people. Am I making sense here? Am I finally getting through to you people?

Like most desert people, I'll be spending my Friday afternoon on a golf course, drinking stuff and smoking other stuff thinking of more critical information to relay when we pick this up next week.

Flower Power

Who here woke up with an itchy ass? I didn't. My ass was itch free all morning. Perhaps some bum scratchers this a.m. were Montreal Canadian fans trying to figure out why their minds hurt so much.

See how clever I am by insinuating that Habs fans have their brains in their ass? That should show them nicely. Gotcha Habs fans!