H*ly Fucking Shit - imissthisguy 1 Year Anniversary

It's been a year or something in that neighborhood of imissthisguy and I'd like to start this post by saying thanks. I've got a shitload more out of this than I've put in. We've had people from all over the world stumble to this thing in one way or another, but much much more than anything else it's been a way to talk to the people that matter most in an informal, jocular laid back way - a meager but effective replication of life back in T.O.. Some technology isn't bad... Thanks for reading.

It's Halloween, of course, but you wouldn't know that here in Denmark - there's no such thing. I complained about this to a few guys at work and they took the bait, criticizing the holiday for being commercial, lame and for kids. I smiled the smile you get when you know you're going to put people in their goddamn place. I explained, sure Halloween is cool for kids, grabbing candy, decorating pumpkins, cooking pumpkin seeds - all that shit is neither here nor there. But then you stop trick or treating when you're about 12 and you think the whole thing is over. Maybe you hand out candies and feel like a grown up. I sure did, often wearing a blazer and smoking a pipe.

I continued to explain, the real Halloween - the Halloween these Danish douches don't know about, gets going when you're around 17. It's when the surreal, take mushrooms and freak yourself out parties get up to speed. Year after year, what party was better than Halloween for tripping the fuck out and and getting sur-fucking-real? Always, always, always the party fo the year. The thinking mans New Years Eve. In our 30's the mood changed from shrooms and joke costumes to gegootz, lingerie for the ladies and... joke costumes (think: Mr. Canoe Head).

There is a holiday in Denmark this weekend - they release the Christmas beer today and it's a pretty massive party across the country. I suppose an argument could be made that beer is the "candy" of Denmark. After all, children here are only allowed (by their parents) to eat candy on Friday and Saturday - the candy is called Haribo and it's disgusting (black licorice). I went to a grocery store to get some Christmas beer and when I checked out saw it came to 189 kroner for 6 bottles ($36 CDN). I asked if there was a mistake and twenty minutes later (and a HUGE line-up) the guy realized he had charged me for six, six-packs. Another ten minutes later, I was out of there with a full refund and the beer, again getting more out of it than I put in.

Happy Anniversary

Graduation

It's funny the little hierarchies and systems that develop in a small social environment like our Danish class. Yesterday, the Italian guy moved from sitting beside the guy from Nepal, to my direct left. Now the class has all white guys on one side and dark guys on the other, like we're a basketball team in the 1950's. The Italian guy was probably sick of sitting next to Nepal guy who is the most uniquely talented shit disturber I've ever met. He keeps on asking for Danish words to tell his wife he's cheating on her (she doesn't speak Danish).

I've advanced from level 1A Danish to level 1B, which is basically like making it from Kindergarten to grade 1. The teacher said I'm doing well... here are a few things I've learned: Jeg vil gerne have en ol - I would like to have a beer. Eva er altid pa toilet - Eva is always on the toilet.

I Don't Have Any Apples At Home

I broke out in a solo fit of laughter during last nights Danish class. Everyone stared. The teacher asked me what my problem was and if I was feeling okay. I wasn't laughing that hard, so I replied the sentences we learn are appealing to my abstract sense of humour in a way I can't easily describe (see title of this post).

Thank God for the guy from Nepal, cuz he started laughing too. We looked at each other and lost it, slapping the table and making general asses of ourselves. This guy is the best - he's always smiling and every question he asks in class makes absolutely no Gaddamn sense. The teacher asks him to repeat himself again and again until I start to laugh and we can move on. I guess this time he felt like he was coming to my rescue.

We're the only ones that laugh (at all) and it's getting a little uncomfortable. If clowns shot out of my dick, the Iranian guy beside me wouldn't crack a smile. How can he not see the humour in this shit - if you want to say it's 5:35, in Danish, you say it's five minutes past thirty minutes before six.

Ballflubbery Jones

Saw this clip on thedanzatap yesterday and consider it the highest form of cinema. Few 43 second films have expressed such a complete story with beginning, middle and end as this shinning example of rhetorical ballflubbery. We live in compelling times my friends.

It's About Time

So, the clocks changed here over the weekend - daylight savings time, or as the locals playfully refer to it, "6oqeirjnfgvipfaj nv;pnasdf;jlnivbad14alkfjsv;zc". Of course, I knew all about this time change because of the incredible stream of information available to me in English, which contradicts the fact I just realized the time changed, about 36 hours after it happened. I'll let you guess which is the truth. Things move slow here to begin with, often by the time I hear about it... old news. Did you guys know OJ's back in jail? Apparently Michael Jackson is planning a big tour next year - I'm going to buy some tickets. I predict a fast start for the Toronto Maple Leafs, if anyone wants to place a wager.

A Bird Named Friday

Was biking to work and stopped at a red when a crow landed on top of the stop light. Tried to grab my phone to take a picture of the pitch black bird spitting down on the world against a gray cloud canvas. But bike traffic is fierce here and as I shuffled out of the way, the bird felt me move close and flapped away. Like most evil things, posing for pictures aren't a part of their operation.

I turned my rusty two wheeler to the lakeside path and took in the scenery, moving a little slower than usual. A young girl walked arm in arm with her grandfather and stopped so he could say something significant. A string of children holding hands marched. A swan shook the water from its feathers, then it started to rain. I looked up to the sky and there, hovering a safe distance overhead, was the crow. "Hello Friday", I said and took a sharp left off the path and into the city maze.

GOLF

Read today that the etymology of the word "golf" is the acronym, "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden". Didn't believe it, so I looked it up and sure enough... not true. Had me there for a minute.

What else, what else... Read a script for an old boss of mine and she told me some of my advice was rhetorical. From now on, I'm telling people they're rhetorical. How fucking awesome of an insult is that?