Oh Canada

Just walked past a travel agency and saw a brochure for Canada in the front window. Stopped and took a hard look. There were three pictures - guess what they were.

Picture #1: Snow covered mountains
Picture #2: Mounties on horseback
Picture #3: Three grizzly bears, standing, facing camera

I thought, wow - no Toronto, Montreal... nothing urban. Makes sense though, Europe has no nature. Aside from the Alps, it's just a collection of quaint towns and cultural or industrial cities. There's not even any squirrels or raccoons. Anywhere. There's no wildlife, no "cottage country", no nothing. Just cafes, ashtrays and fuckheads in expensive scarves.

A merde

Just got back from the pizza shop, which in no way shape or form is Italian. When did pizza cease to have anything to do with Italy? Pizza Pizza - I'm looking in your direction. And would it kill these guys to cut the pizza slices somewhat evenly? It's like that kid in The Royal Tennenbaums that thinks squares are circles. How did so many people that are "shape blind" find jobs in the Kobenhavn pizza business?

I asked for a bag to carry my pizza box, in English, and the guy was kind enough to tell me the Danish translation. I thanked him and said, "jai sprek in lille Dansk", which means "I speak a little Danish" - except "sprek" is fucking Dutch, not Danish. I somehow managed to combine two languages I don't speak into one sentence. The squishhead looked at me like, ""what kind of idiot can't remember five words". A guy who can't cut eight six even slices in a ten inch circle just made me look like a moron.

Reminds me of the time I was working at Angels in Montreal. Was in the washroom when a drunk French guy started yelling and screaming like mad at me. Didn't understand a fucking word he was saying. He finished and stared hard at me waiting for my response, which was, "a merde". He paused, then almost fell over laughing.

Frankly Scarlet

Love the way people kiss in old movies. Almost as realistic as the way they die, shot fifteen times with no blood. You could knock someone out with a chop to the shoulder. Must have been easy to write.

What's strange is how we've gone from unrealistic, basic and simple portrayals of action and intimacy, then paused for a cup of coffee on "realistic" and shot like a hollow-point bullet to cinema and TV so gritty and harsh there's nothing remotely realistic about it.

Illiterate Jesus

Just figured out why Christianity is more popular than ever in the States. Jesus was illiterate. He's completely non-threatening to a very large number of people, like a few other current popular American figures - Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Rev. Pat Robertson. Even better for Him - everybody wrote about Jesus, while He didn't write jack shit. Makes Him look great. Like when you talk up a buddy of yours to a girl. Works every time.

No big deal that He couldn't write - most people couldn't at the time. The guy was apparently a great talker and that's gotta count for something. Not sure the people that follow Jesus' teachings are great readers themselves. Looks like they may be missing the point. Try and explain how 99.9% of NRA members are Christian. Don't remember the passage in the bible where He talks about filling people full of lead for stealing. It's staggering how mixed up Jesus' original message has gotten. Perhaps that's because He didn't actually write anything down.

The Angels Forget To Pray For Us

The Vatican recently issued a statement saying they're concerned with the trend of worshipping nature instead of the Holy Trinity. They consider it a dangerous development and condemn the notion of paying homage to something real and vibrant and important versus the blind faith in a particular brand of spirituality. Imagine the consequences of worshipping nature over a made-up story about a man that lived two thousand years ago and had the mental imbalance to claim to be the son of God. In other words, the Vatican is deeply troubled at the growing trend of rational thought. It threatens their business plan.

In recent years, I've come to believe in something, a "force" or "schwartz" if you will - but it's poorly defined and very personal. The ostentatious gall of the Vatican has never given me that itch, but when they go too far, they go too far. Wouldn't it be a great idea for atheists to door to door in a Christian neighborhood?

My Girl In The River

Had some good alcohols this weekend. Plenty of refreshing pilsner and a tip here and there of medicinal liquor. Got into a groove and found a higher plain. Relaxed and social, I discovered a communication level that had eluded me and found myself connecting to the soul of this place and the people around me, but in particular had some good texts with the big fella back home. It's not that booze can solve all of life's problems, but a few well placed libations can certainly put a thing or two in perspective.

Here's what I'm talking about. I'd been struggling of late, not entirely satisfied with my purpose in life. The movie business seemed to be a false prophet. Somehow, buried within my half drunk ramblings on this or that, I found my place as a story teller - not to others, but myself. Not the center of attention, but as observer and participant. Good inner dialogue is what I'm talking about. I found a little of my voice, albeit a sometimes angry one. I found that stories are important. They mean something. Stories strongly suggest that the teller has "lived", which in the simplest terms I can fathom, is what life is about.

A Clean Somethingorother

Just found out the Danish aren't huge on washing their hands. Even after taking a shit. Seriously. One guy said proudly, "maybe if my finger breaks through the toilet paper I'll give it a quick rinse." I think I need to throw up now. It's like a bad horror movie, but instead of seeing dead people, everywhere I look I see feces stains.