Barney's Red Carpet

Barney's Version red carpet. A little TL in the BG towards the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKKagQ88A94

I'm gonna go talk to myself on Bloor Street.

How kickass would it feel to just give up everything and walk along Bloor Street mumbling to yourself? You know, just let the OCD flow. Yelling occasionally about how the number six fucked up your marriage or how the damn politicians drank your pea soup. Imagine the liberating sensations crawling up your endocrine glands when you stop carefree teenagers to warn them of falling pianos. Think hard about the clever signs you could make with a million words crammed into a 3x4 inch placard taped to your chapeau. Living the dream, man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzEhoyXpqzQ

Vacation

Taking June off.

If you need a laugh, just put your penis in between two slices of bread and sit in an alleyway for a few hours.

Grayson Andrew Prozes

Welcome to the world little buddy - all seven pounds of ya. Great name by the way dude. Happy to have you on board. Can't wait to meet ya!

None Of These

The strangest thing about Europe has to be that there are no lesbians. I've been living here for two years and I haven't seen a single one of those stocky crew-cutted things that look at you with those eyes. Sure The Womens go down on each other over here, but that's normal. What they don't do is abandon the rod. All The Womens stay true to the rod.

Mr. Fix It

Sorry about not being able to fix the comments section - I'm going to give it one more try this week and then start smashing shit. It's not the same without your witticisms and repartee.

Fortune Teller

Check out my post on February 20th. Fucking weird, right?

Cantstandya

George. I miss this guy. Watch the scene below and see if you can see the similarities...

I Squish You

Watch the trailer below and I guarantee you'll be kicking yourself for not thinking of the concept first. Not the movie concept, but the idea of kidnapping people and sewing them together into a centipede. Perhaps it's not too late?

Crafts

Thought you bad haircuts would like a glimpse of the crafts I'll be learning to maneuver in June as I make my transition back to Canada. First up is the Bavaria 36 yacht - basically the smallest thing that can survive in an ocean. Guess I'll find out if I get seasick or not, cuz six days living on this thing may be somewhat bumpy. More than calm waters, I'm hoping my fellow students won't ask me a single fucking question and just let me do my thing in peace. Below that is the Cessna 172 - also not the largest situation in the skies. Don't think I'll get to land it or anything, but I will get to take-off and fly the sucker.

The Sound of Simon and Garfunkel

If anyone we know is having a baby boy, please tell that person to name their child Garfunkel.

S & G come to mind because a neighbor of mine has been cranking their greatest hits every week or so, out the window so no less then a thousand people can hear the music. It typically starts at midnight and it's the weirdest thing. The music is so preposterously loud and intentionally directed outwards to the street, you feel angry and imposed upon. But it's Simon and Garfunkel, so how can you get too upset? The guy that's playing this music must be sitting to himself, rubbing his hands together with glee at the conundrum he's placed his neighbors in. Or what is this guy thinking or doing? He's super fucking high, that's for sure.

Did I mention this goes on for hours? It was still cranked two hours later... and nobody complained.

Soccer News

Croatian football player Goran Tunjic had a heart attack, collapsed on the field and died in the 35th minute of a match for Mladost FC against Hrvatski Sokol this weekend. One might think that would have been his final indignity.

Alas, no. Tunjic was given a yellow card for diving ... as he lay dying.

Paramedics tried to revive the 32-year-old part-time soccer player once the referee realized the player wasn't faking it, but by then the damage was done.

"It was 35th minute of the match when we've simply noticed he has fallen down," a club official told reporters. "Doctors have tried to help him, but there was nothing they could do."

"He just fell dead on the spot."

Coaches said Tunjic, who was the son of local legend player, official and referee Cibalia Tunji_, had never had any health issues in the past that they were aware of.

Mladost is a county-level team representing the small town of Su_uraj on the island of Hvar.

I'm not your Mother

Hawking has apparently gone on the record that time travel may one day be possible if research continues for the next 5 or 6 hundred million years. So in the year 600,002,010 people may be able to time travel. Don't get too excited, he provides a caveat - we'll only be able to travel forwards in time, which begs the question, "how the fuck do you get back?"

This is meaningless of course unless you don't eat gluton, which according to Dave Sorbara is really bad for you. Why not cut out all kinds of bread to be on the safe side and make sure you're around for time travel. A few vegetables wouldn't hurt either and no, I'm not your Mother.

Fuck Him

Went for some Carlsberg last night and was sitting beside a couple of computer programmer dudes with serious ego's. They ordered a pack of smokes from the bar and when it was delivered, the guy in the cheaper suit of the two admonished the bartender for not removing the foil wrapper from inside the pack or Prince's. This all happened in Danish, but I'm told the bartender responded that he's not allowed to do that anymore. What kind of asshole asks the bartender to open a pack for him? How much of a cocksucker do you have to be?

Oh yeah, and the guy that was translating this whole fiasco let me know only dickhead's smoke "Prince's".

Fuck You

That's right. I've been away for a bit, not really feeling the blogging mood. But I'm back because of you, so fuck you.

Not only am I back blogging faithful reports to loyal readers, but I'm back in Copenhagen and it didn't take me too long to realize how different shit is over here. Went to a bar on Friday and the bartender/owner introduced himself and shortly after asked me to run the place while he went to pick up a new fridge. I tended bar and helped myself to vodka and played the role. When he came back, we talked about the advantages to swimming in cold water. Sometimes, this place isn't terrible.

Fuck Me

Thanks for all of your emails regarding the technical issues with the comments section. Amazing that a hundred years ago people were talking to each other across the ocean and I can't seem to figure this goddamn thing out. So far, I've done almost nothing to fix it and to my chagrin, doing jack shit doesn't seem to be solving the problem. For now, all we can do is wait. Wait and peel hot peppers and rub our eyes and wait.

Tiger Text

A report has been filed that there's a problem posting comments. Think I've fixed it, but who fucking knows.

Possible text from Tiger to one of his ladies...

That girl u brought
:(
2 much coke.
U got saw?

Easter

On the walk to work there wasn't much going on except a rather healthy handful of tweaked out crack/meth-heads by the train station acting like monkeys and an extra large smattering of street-walking lady types. It's Easter here in CPH and that means a five day weekend and that last night was a major booze-up. A buddy of mine was so smashed he cried for the last hour of the night. Good times.

There's no real Danish tradition to file in my report to you, but I can relay the Czech Easter tradition which involves the men going house to house whipping the womens (I threw in the "s" there cuz I write likes I speaks). Seriously.

The Brain

Let's talk a little bit about alcohol. Why do we drink it? Yes, it's a social lubricant, but why? What's the science here?

Not to make things too complicated, this is a family website, but in a nutshell alcohol makes us dumb. Blissfully dumb. The more you drink it, the more dumb you become. Drink the perfect amount and you become perfect dumb. Drink too much and you become too dumb and do something really stupid. It's amazing that the effects disappear the next morning, leaving only a headache as a friendly reminder not to abuse the privilege.

Shouldn't this be the way we measure alcohol's effects? Instead of breathalyzer's they should do an IQ test which would work something like this... Smart people can drink four beer per hour. Dumb people can drink one half of a beer per hour. You should have to breathe into the machine at the same time answering a series of tricky questions. The way I behaved this weekend, I wouldn't have been surprised to be arrested for drinking and walking.

Too Literal Open Door Policy

Gonna be on set for the next few days and away from this blog type situation, but thought I'd leave you to ponder until next week why it is that nobody in Denmark actually closes the door behind themselves? There are fucking open doors everywhere and it's driving me nuts.