Cheers

Some incredible stories lately... One of the three people that read this piece of shit accidentally played cowboy anal porn at a party for his young daughter. Another was seen on Church Street on pride day in ass-less chaps. If I didn't know any better, I'd say the Toronto crew could use a night at a heterosexual strip club.

In the spirit of the recent festivities, let's put our heads together and think of the ten best places we've enjoyed drinking. The list should be personal and can include residences, ditches, gutters etc..., but full points to the places that everyone knows of.

10. Copa Cobana Bar, Montreal
9. Sneaky Dee's Bar, Toronto
8. Sorbara Cottage, Region of Dwight
7. Molson Hall Residences, Montreal
6. 367 Euclid Ave. front patio, Toronto
5. 149 Markham St. kitchen, Toronto
4. La Cite, Apartment #308, Montreal
3. Angels Bar, Montreal
2. Frederick Street dining room, Toronto
1. Biftek, Montreal

Wendel Clark

Rumors are swirling that a regular here at IMTG was spotted in ass-less chaps at pride parade. The last time Church Street saw that kind of homo-erotic energy, the Leafs were in the semi-finals.

Graduation

It's graduation time for high-school kids here. They call high school, "gymnasium", but don't bother asking why unless you're a big fan of people giving you bullshit answers. Truth is, they call it "gymnasium" because that's the stupidest name they could think of that actually made a small hint of sense. That's how most shit works on this side - 99% dumbass, 1% okay-sure.

All the graduates dress in black and white (saw one girl in just underwear) and sport these sailor type hats that signify their specialty (math, science, fellatio, etc). They start drinking around seven in the morning and ride around town in open-air buses cranking tunes and screaming full tilt, blowing air horns, shit like that... The bus drives to the center of the city, at which point they jump out, pour beer on themselves and hold hands and dance around a statue of a king on a horse. This is where the parents are waiting to take pictures.

I cannot begin to express to you how drunk these people are. I was eating on a patio when three guys came to the table next to me and fell on a woman, smashing her wine bottle and ruining three peoples dinners. There's probably 25,000 graduating kids in CPH, so you can imagine the piles of puke everywhere. Happy days. As much as I hate these bastards without a care in the world and think their ritual is bizarre, I have to ask, were we any different?

MJ 2

Just thinking of the blizzard of blogs, twitters and facebook messages about MJ is staggering. Undoubtedly, this is the motherfucking grand daddy of obituaries. His life contained such an extreme contrast from peak to valley. He was our generations Elvis. There's no need to rehash what the man did, good or bad - we all know what happened.

For most of my life, he's been a laughing stock, a fad for Japanese people and the lost and lonely. I remember him like the Rubix cube, incredible for a while then a big fat whogivesashit. He's always been good for a joke or anecdote on the pitfalls of fame and fortune and being a child star. His life was the manifestation of round, obvious psychology, repeating his Father's abuse and trying to steal a childhood he never had. He hated himself and was desperate for change to the point his skin melted and nose fell off. He made it perfectly clear that "having it all" doesn't mean shit unless you're doing your thing the way you wanna do it.

Another in a long line of celebrity pill related deaths this year, the question looms - how will he be remembered?

MJ

Them pills will get ya.

Bless You

Someone in the office just sneezed after which I said "bless you". This prompted a chorus of laughter that is still echoing. They never say sorry here, or any other verbal pleasantry. Is it the viking heritage or are these people onto something new? Are we just wasting our time excusing ourselves left and right and are these antiquated religious traditions a thing of the past?

Ed McMahon

Ed McMahon just passed.

Strange life he had. His show Star Search was the original American Idol, yet people remember him more for standing in the shadow of Carson, giving out over-sized cheques and something like nine marriages and a bunch of lawsuits. He died flat broke, but I have a hard time imagining that when you're staring eternity in the face you're seriously worried about how much dough you got tucked away. It might even feel stupid to die rich.

Got to imagine he'd be a fun guy to have drank with and I bet he heard a lot of fucked up stories. Back when the men were men they used to do all kinds of weird shit, not like the castrated metrosexual fuckfaces we've become today.

James Brown

Was in the bank yesterday making a deposit. These places are only open a few hours a day, and at lunchtime there's basically no staff inside. They make you take a number at most places here and the bank is no different. I try to always have a book on me so I don't start punching shit.

One of the tellers is a bald woman and I was lucky to get her. She's super friendly and likable. I've got my kroner on the counter and she's counting it when this older fella (regular looking) interrupts my transaction and asks the teller a question. It's in Danish, so I have no clue, but it sounds like he's asking directions. I don't know about you, but the only example I can think of that would be a worst place to be interrupted is during surgery. What kind of human being interrupts a bank transaction for directions? - in North America the guy would have eight bullets in him by the time he figured out that maybe next time, he should take a number.

Normal Mouth

The guy sitting across from me at the office had his wisdom teeth removed twenty minutes ago and he just lit up a smoke.

Other People

I'm aware that the mission statement of this blog has morphed from it's original purpose of memorializing awesome individuals into insulting the Danish. So be it.

Was biking yesterday and saw an ambulance racing through traffic. What they do here is send a couple of motorbike police ahead of the ambulance to tell people to get to the side of the road (through vigorous hand gestures) because otherwise, people would ignore the sirens and the ambulance wouldn't get anywhere. In other words, there's a system in place that recognizes how completely selfish the Danes are.

Was at a bar later in the day and they had a pool table which at midnight they put a wooden board over. I asked the bar-dude what was going on and he said that when people get alcohols in their system, they can't be trusted and start whipping the balls throughout the bar and through glass windows. Again, a system in place that recognizes how completely selfish the Danes are.

So, I'm thinking to myself... maybe I need a system too. Instead of cursing the nature of these animals, I need to adopt some kind of protocol to deal with these hellbent vikings. Suggestions?

Sunshine

Where the hell is the sun? Nothing like a nice June rainstorm. It's not just here in CPH where they speak of the sun like it's some kind of retro fad - it's pouring everywhere. In New York apparently people are building arks and loading pairs of various ethnics on board. The US open which started yesterday looks more like a swim meet than a golf tournament.

Ethics

Finally figured out what's missing here in the Copen-schmagen. Nobody here has the slightest concept of ethics. That cold look in their eyes I used to think was just shadows pooling off their high cheekbones. Turns out, these people have shark genetics in their bloodstreams.

Yesterday the priest dude at some church had to bolt down his two tonne statue of Moses for fear of it being forklifted the fuck off his property. Paranoid priest, right? A few months earlier, somebody stole his equally massive David statue while it was being repaired from damages incurred in a police chase. Whoever told me there was no crime here was a dickhead.

I suppose it makes sense that thieves will steal just about anything. But how exactly does one sell a two tonne statue from a church unless there's someone with some serious dough that wants to buy it? And that's the problem. I can't imagine a single person I've met here that wouldn't love to sport a ten foot hight church statue in their apartment (if it would fit). I'm no religious type human. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to find someone less so. But, is there not a line that once crossed there's just no going back?

Good Ideas

I have officially run out of ideas. Every time I look at my computer I want to fucking smash it into 900 pieces then punch each of the little computer parts and then maybe drive over them. If I wrote with a pen instead of a laptop I guarantee that thing would be lodged in the back of my knee right now and I'd be in the hospital on anti anxiety medication instead of sitting here like an ass writing to you jerkoffs.

To fully express how out of ideas I am, here's a clip I put up a month ago.

Modern Man

Back in Denmark after a 28 hour airport/tarmac situation the details of which I won't bore you with. Ended up with a day in NYC and made the best of it. Saw travelers in all different states of frustration and anguish. One guy actually pulled some hair out of his head. It should be said here that something is fucked up when making it across a variety of oceans in a day is too slow for people to psychologically deal with. How would these fuckers have done a hundred years ago?

This Guy

Wow. Where the fuck have I been? Last post was eight days ago. Nice fucking blog loser. After so many days off you'd think there'd be some serious shit all piled up for unleashing on your motherfucking, short-sleeved-shirt wearing asses. But, all I can really think about and focus on is how much shit everybody is going through right now. Everybody!

It's like we're all little human economies. One thing goes wrong and it unravels a million other things and it's a crisis and the next thing we know we're down 40%. We all live on such an edge. Was at a bar last night and a buddy of mine fell asleep on the stairs. The bartender came to tell me, and he was all proud of himself and was like, "your buddy is asleep on the stairs". I just nodded and said, "damn right he is" and was disappointed to see him get tossed a few seconds later. But you know what? That motherfucker tried to come back into the bar a minute later. And when he got kicked out a second time I half expected to see him fly through the glass window to get back in. But he didn't. Because he was too tired.

See what I mean? We all got our battles and we're all taking this shit on. And I think it's beautiful. I find the humanity of our collective sorrows fucking beautiful.

David Carradine

They just found David Carradine dead in his Bangkok hotel room.

Was on a film he starred in a few years back, not long after his role in Kill Bill 2. When he walked on set the first day I saw for the first time the true manifestation of the word presence. Not a big man, he commanded the room and all eyes.

I recall one time being in his trailer as he sipped absinthe straight from the bottle. He told me a story about when his daughter complained he was fearless and explained to him that it's natural to have fear - all animals have fear. His response was, "lions don't".

Poker Night

Who doesn't love poker night? It has everything. There's alcohol and a table and chairs and most women hate it - no wonder it's a nine hundred gabillion dollar industry.

However, also fundamental to the situation are men. You know, the kind of humans that don't talk about relationships. Ever. I'm talking about the kinds of individuals that drink their faces off and match people three times their size stride for stride because they just fucking do.

Two Brains

How we've matured. I remember the days when my penis actually spoke to my brain and would defeat it easily with impossible to contest logic. My penis would demand for things and my brain would basically follow those exact orders without any kind of interpretation or modifications.

These days, it's a pretty fair battle that could go either way. Sometimes the penis wins, sometimes the brain wins. It's like Ali versus Frazer or England versus France.

CPH Drinking Buddy

Had a drinking buddy here for a while, but that's gone now. He met a girl and likes to spend all his time with her. They've been dating four weeks and live together now. He was just asking me about where to get a ring - which is surprising considering his numerous past serious relationships.

When I do hang with the dude, all he talks about is her and I don't have the motivation to tell him to shut the fuck up. It's almost impossible to comment on another persons relationship to their face, unless it's positive. It's like saying something negative about someone's child - you just can't do it unless you really, really, really know the guy.

I'd super like to say something to him too - his life is falling apart and he seems oblivious to how much of a total fuck-up he's been since this girl entered the picture. He's a pretty addictive kind of guy and I'm starting to wonder, is it possible he's on a love binge?

Latino's

They've recently introduced personal license plates in Copenhagen. It's not surprising to see CLAUS or JORGEN or METTE or any of the other popular names here - probably some birthday gift from a loved one. However, yesterday I saw a plate that still has me scratching my head. It was a late 1990's blue mazda sedan with the vanity plate "LATINOS". How completely fucked up is that?

Come to think of it, Latino's are strange people. They're truly mercurial, running hot to cold at the drop of a hat.