Estonians

If aliens visit planet earth, I hope they land in Estonia. Those fuckers can drink anything in the universe into the ground and have nice enough women so that the aliens probably won't rush home and send their army to destroy us.

The Boys

Can someone explain to me the phenomenon of drinking. After a few days with my favorite crew, I'm left scratching my head. Why does sitting around a table and reducing ones capacity for thought feel so earth-shattering wonderful? Why does the collective numbing of minds create such revelry and feelings of brotherhood and unity? It doesn't make any sense. How did man discover this? Talk about a happy accident.

Deja Vu

Showed up to the airport for a flight a day early and have to repeat the same performance today. Not exactly the smartest guy, am I?

Art

Suggested to a friend of mine that we buy a painting together. Nothing major, but something by the Group of Seven that we could enjoy for a decade or two then sell and put towards a cottage or something cool like that. Well, I'm still living that one down - ridiculed nonstop for my European behavior patterns. My professional investment expert friend apparently is unfamiliar with the concept of buying anything other than consumable liquids, lap dances or small Indian boys.

Family

Back in the T-dot for a little family type situation. The whole Jewish side is here and we haven't been all together like this for ages. I'm kinda the outsider, which is convenient considering how idiosyncratic some people in the group are.

You

If you have a specific way you need to drink your coffee, there's no way we're friends and chances are I secretly fucking hate your guts.

Phil Hartman

It's a long weekend here in the Schmagen entitled "Ascension Day", celebrating Jesus' maneuver up to his heavenly throne type thing. The locals rejoice in this holy situation by drinking and smoking as if they too were heading directly to their great reward.

So many good clips of Phil Hartman to choose from, but this one from his later years on NEWS RADIO about quiting smoking has to be near the top...

Super Dave Osborne

Super Dave's real name is Bob Einstein, which always struck me as weird. When I was a kid on the BIZARRE set they used to make me hang out in the make-up room during skits with swearing or nudity and I got to meet Bob a few times. He's a "super" nice guy and good with kids. Pretty cool for an eight year old.

He was on Johnny Carson more than any other guest and Steve Martin considers him the funniest man in the world, high praise for a man who nobody knows his real name.

1994

Hello 1994, this is Denmark calling.

Don't tell the skinny faced locals, but FRIENDS was canceled a forever ago. It's one of the top rated shows over here and some even consider it a comedy. Studies likely show they can relate to the Ross character who if he was actually real and I was fortunate enough to meet in a dark alley, would have a very soar epidermis (insert laugh track here).

Ballet Ball

There's some kind of important ballet ball game in the city right now. Tried to get a ticket but it was all sold out and the scalpers were cashed. Never seen so many cops in my life. Went to a bar briefly to watch and by halftime still didn't know who was playing. The TV said FCK (Kobenhavn Football Club) vs. BIF. Who and what is BIF? Their colors are blue and yellow, which makes me think they're Swedish, but I try not to think to hard when it comes to the only sport I know with absolutely no ethics or code amongst men.

Funny name for a local ballet ball club too don't cha think? FCK - one letter away from FUCK and if ya turn the letters inside out you get KFC.

Current score 77 minutes in, KFC 4, BIF 0.

Tears In The Bucket. Mother Fuck It.

Remember those three aliens dressed in black jumpsuits from Superman (General Zod and his crew)? They said they were from Krypton, but I'm pretty sure they were from Denmark - not just because of their fashion.

Not being able to understand the language has temporarily hidden the fact these Danish freewheelers are the coldest humans on the planet. When they get a fever their blood temperature might potentially rise above freezing. If I was pregnant and carrying a tray full of liquid nitrogen, fourteen people would push past me to get through a door without even thinking of holding it open. They actually have signs in the subway and in elevators reminding people to let others exit before you enter - but, even then it's total chaos. Drunk eight year olds sit in subway chairs reserved for the elderly without shame. People park their bikes in front of busy doors because they can't be bothered to put them somewhere that isn't completely inconsiderate.

Somebody find me superpowers and a big Coca-Cola sign, now! (Please)

Famous People

Somebody pointed out a famous Danish rapper on the street. All I saw was a douchebag in a baseball cap that could use a shower. My friend stood there staring and nodding, "yes, good" as I was shaking my head, "no, bad". In other words, fame is subjective. What these local hicks consider popular, is by a broader definition, barely noticeable. I'm not trying to play the North America card, because I think we've got an equally messed up concept of "fame" too, I'm just saying that maybe everybody over here in the Arctic Circle could shut their traps and watch some real famous people like in the clip below...

Things That Don't Sound Stupid

I'd like to thank the country of Denmark for covering my Danish lessons gratis. I'd also like to thank them for pulling the instructor out of rehab two months early - watching her crumble in frustration at my non-effort should be fun.

Guess how many vowels are in the Danish alphabet? Nine. They love their "ou" noises and have four different kinds. They put the three extra vowels at the end of the alphabet and I'd tell you what they are, but I don't have 'em on my keyboard - so you're just gonna have to visualize the whole thing.

Actual Medication

If my head was any more filled with snot it might split down the middle. I can't even hear. My body feels like I've been surrounded by a million immature jerkoffs at a Volkswagon Beetle convention.

Of course, there's jack shit I can do about it over here. Their idea of strong medication is Mint Tea and a manicure.

Italians

Was just in Italy for a little tour of the south. The place is a paradise and I can finally understand why their churches are so ornate - after all, their God obviously has a sense for aesthetic beauty.

Sadly, the towns we went into were almost empty. Not the thriving tourist hub it was in healthier years.

Southern Italy is a pretty straightforward place - things are black and white there... There's a God, don't piss him off. There's a mafia, don't piss them off. Simple enough.

Marlon Brando

What happened to the insane, over the top actor that is always getting in shit but gives a killer performance every time? The type that smashes his Ferrari while having sex with an underage midget that's his cousin who just got out of rehab. For fuck sakes, singers don't even overdose anymore.

The show business is losing its "show" and it's got plenty to do with the entourages of psychologists and life-coaches that are keeping these putz's out of trouble. What happened to the days when entourages started the fight? Where did all the mad genius' go?

Journalism

For those of you that can't get enough of my wonderful writing, today I had an article published in the new online magazine THE MARK. The site is currently in "BETA", which I think means they're still working the bugs out or they haven't got a DVD player yet.

I submitted the article in March and just heard from the editor yesterday asking me to review their fixes, which completely sucked ass. They took out my best sentence about the homosexual arsonist and put in a few type-o's which I had to correct. I'm not exactly old hat at the publishing business, but doesn't it go the other fucking way around?

Anyway, here's the link:

http://beta.themarknews.com/articles/169-the-attach-enigma

Adumb

When I met Adumb about ten years ago, the first thing he told me is that pretty much everything in life is like a river and all you gotta do is just flow with that shit. Strangely sage words from a man that likes to pull minivans with his ears, like in the clip below...

Ghandi

Had some Indian food here last night. Not good. Wasn't even spicy. How the eff is that possible? Had a similar experience with Chinese food, which are strangely all super high end restaurants - as if chicken balls are some kind of exotic delicacy. Probably boils down to the fact there are zero point zero immigrants here and even the ones that can't cook for shit open a restaurant.

Beer Guy

Is there a better drink than vodka-soda? It refreshes and hydrates as it intoxicates. What a thoughtful beverage. Thank you vodka-soda for an excellent weekend.

Love beer, but how the hell it's as popular as it is, confounds. Doesn't the taste get a bit much after a few? Doesn't the sheer volume of consumption required hint to anyone that maybe they should step up their operation to a more potent libation? Or do people like to constantly sip away like babies at the tit?

Matt

Devastated by what happened in The Netherlands yesterday. If you don't know, some guy drove his car through a crowd of people celebrating the biggest holiday of the year, Queen's Day. He killed five people, critically injured a bunch more and late last night, he succumbed to his wounds. If you haven't seen the footage, don't. It's too much to see people experience the radical shift from celebration to the purest form of pain.

Instead, I include below WHERE THE HELL IS MATT?



Have a great weekend.