Dan Deacon

I wish I went to Harvard. I wish I could fly. I wish I was in the Olympics. I wish I could be two places at once. I wish I could be 27 again. I wish I could float in outer space, specifically the Milky Way. I wish I didn't have to sleep. I wish I was on a train in 18th Century India. I wish I could vanquish my foes. I wish I was Dan Deacon for ten seconds.

When the Gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers.

Mozart

Man do I hate Rock and Roll. Even the name pisses me the fuck off. Is there anything more lame than a guitar? Think we might be overusing the instrument a little? Just the thought of some American douchebag playing guitar on a beach for his sorority or whatever makes my skin breakout in fits of acne and bedsores.

I get that there are classic songs and I tap my toes to them sometimes, and grant there are some genius melodies in the genre. But, pound for pound, there's no greater pile-up of hack horsehit than the finger snapping ass farting rock genre. What really boils my cabbage is the way people at rock concerts all face in the same direction and worship the band. Music should be a soundtrack, not a sermon. It should blend. The only performance worth watching in some kind of awe is a classical recital or symphony - but would it hurt for those higher forms of art to loosen up a little too?

Can't Touch This

This isn't exactly a fashion page, but somebody has to say something about the direction of women's clothing. This Aladdin and the forty thieves look isn't working. Every woman I see is wearing these silk pants and gypsy shoes they know look like shit, but wear just because it's the new thing to do and the magazines say it's hot. I see the guilty look on your faces ladies - it's okay to go against the grain. You look like MC Hammer and even if the whole point is some kind of "anti-sexy" look, the thing is still a complete fail.

Wendel Clark

The more I think about sports, the more I hate every moment I've wasted watching them. Sports is the original reality TV, nothing more. Obviously. But, God it was good getting into a Leaf's game and holy fuck did the playoffs feel something awesome. I miss that shit.

Deep down, I've always known this, but am even more aware of it watching these Euro puffs play games. Did you know that after every game the home team applauds the audience for their cheering efforts? Often shirts are removed while the hands are clapped and it's basically one big, stadium wide, cock sucking session. The look of semi-retarded athletes applauding fully-retarded sports fans is too much.

Chicken Or Egg, hmmmm?

Just read the average Japanese human watches 300 minutes of TV per day. Ka-nee-che-wa! That's a lot. The most in the world.

Considering the messed up shit they have on the tube, it's no wonder they're such tweaked out little fuckers. My question to you is, what came first... the tweaked out little fuckers or the messed up TV?

Your Leader

An unfortunately potent case of food poisoning has kept me from lecturing you idiots for the past few days. Before I continue with the syllabus, let's all enjoy a sage and personal analogy about my experience.

Remember the opening sequence to Bonanza? My guts felt like that map of the Ponderosa for about three days and there was something in my intestine which vaguely resembled Dan Blocker (with hat).

Gary

There's a guy that works in a friends office who's been drinking too much and missing work and generally being a drunk asswipe. The guy is two seconds from losing his job and when he does show up to work, is totally exhausted. To make matters worse, apparently the guys name is Gary. In honor of this guy that I'll never meet, I'd like to use his name, from this point forward, as an "ism".

Gary (Gar-y).
Definition: To be feeling terrible in the morning and unfit to work.
Used in a sentence: I'm feeling a little Gary this morning, maybe I will call in sick.