Home - Part 2

I didn't realize it until being away from home around Christmas, but there's a whole shitload of unwritten customs that you need to be a local to know about. In fact, the whole Santa thing which we take for granted is entirely different over here. For one, Santa is not known to be a jolly person. He's actually a huge prick and hates kids.



Like most holidays, the whole thing is basically a booze-up. There's a lot of different customs I'm sure I'm missing and people seem to be doing some kind of secret handshake which looks pretty gay. I don't really care anymore. I'll do just about anything to fit in.

Home

I'm sure Vancouver will do a great job with the next Olympics. After all, if there's a center of culture, style and taste in the world, it has to be Western Canada.



It's just starting to settle in that I'm going to be out of Canada for Christmas and away from family and friends. Having a Jewish Dad and a Mom from Manitoba meant not having family to celebrate with. Yet, somehow we never suffered for Christmas joy. Close friends would take us in. Bonds would grow between friends that are normally reserved for relation. It's going to be strange and the distance has given me a real perspective on how much there is to be thankful for. In terms of friendship, in the words of the late, great Lou Gehrig, I'm the luckiest man in the world. Merry Christmas and I'll see you in 2009.

Michael Jackson

How do we know soap is doing all the things it says it can do? We put an extraordinary amount of trust in that little bar. Think about the last place you use the soap at the end of a shower, then think about the first place you use it next time around. That's trust.

This post is for notorious germaphobe Michael Jackson, but I couldn't find a good short clip of him that wasn't a Pepsi ad, so instead, because you've been good, you get a clip of Alan Iverson entitled "Practice".

Pavarotti

It's Friday morning and I'm feeling very European. I've got my tight slacks on and my heavy gold bracelet is all shined up and ready to go.

Chest hair primped? Check. Four espresso's? Check. Bisexuality? Double check.

Andy Kaufman

I've had a few complaints that the site is light on female content. Yes, it's true, I've focused more on men that are no longer alive or popular. I admit it, but "I Miss This Guy" sounds less patronizing than "I Miss This Person" and that's that.

In the name of mending fences, I propose a truce. A peace offering.

Below please find a clip prominently featuring a woman.

Canada's 1st World Status

Can somebody please explain to me how everything in Canada more mechanical than a pair of scissors broke at the exact same time today? I've never heard of a gondola pole breaking in two, but that doesn't really suggest proper thought was put into the situation. That's basically the one thing that should not happen on a gondola other than the wire turning into macaroni. And the excuse? Cold weather. Not sure that satisfies me, nor inspires confidence moving forward. Might want to rethink that Mr. Worst Publicist in the World.

But this is nothing compared to what happened on Bay Street today. The whole Stock Market just shut down. Computer error. They called it a day at around 1pm. Which is funny considering traders normally work such long hours.

How is this happening? Since when did Canada start behaving like Paraguay?

Christopher Walken

He's not dead, but haven't seen him in anything other than a cameo or bit roles in a while. Don't blame the guy, he lasted longer than most as the personification of evil. There was a while when if he was in the movie, you absolutely, 100% knew it was going to kick your ass around the theater for two, maybe three hours.

No Fuss

Sometimes I wish I could punch somebody in the face and just walk away. No consequences. Just punch and go. Punch and go. Punch, then leave. Unscathed. Just once. Right in the eyebone. Uppercut. Just a punch and then a ski-daddle. No problem. No muss.

I love this clip, which like my inspired comment above, has nothing to do with anything.

Earthquake Cherry

Scratch earthquake off the list. 4.7 at the epicenter, hundred km's away. Biggest one in Denmark since 1985. Woke me up. Lasted longer than I thought it would - maybe a minute. You can really feel the earth dance. It's got a weird sense of rhythm, I will tell you that. Boogies like Elaine in Seinfeld.

That thing about animals going crazy in advance is horseshit. The loudmouth mutt upstairs that yaps at every little thing didn't say fuck all.

The morning news featured people mistaking the earth-shake for a terrorist attack. Some said it felt like a plane hitting the ground. Not me though. I woke up, declared that an earthquake was happening, then went back to sawing logs. I'm like an earthquake identification system. Just call me Richter.

Mike Tyson

Was fortunate to see my first title fight this weekend. Scratch that off the list. German boxing fans are something worth seeing in their own right. Not sure if the guy that told me to sit down and be quiet enjoyed being told to go fuck himself.

Spent some time in the stadium infirmary, but that's another story entirely. Two people that won't be in the infirmary are the prize fighters that tickled each other for 7 rounds before one guy took a dive after being hit directly with a vicious right pillow to the thigh. It's at this point when I'll tie this rambling post into the theme of the blog, namely that I miss Mike Tyson - a man that could properly take his competitors head off.

Bob Marley

Heading to Amsterdam today. Gonna spend the weekend there doing my thing. Friend of mine is having a birthday party on a boat. It's like a regular birthday party, but we'll be moving at 2 km/hr, so we can all feel like we're accomplishing something.

Bill Murray

I know Bill Murray isn't dead or washed up, but I still miss this guy. It seems like forever since he said a line worth repeating.

Physical Humor

They've got a slightly different sense of humor here in Denmark. Reminds me of Bugs Bunny kind of laughs. For example, someone thought it would be a real hoot to light a fireworks factory on fire. Now I have to walk around looking out for anvil's.

Sports

I miss sports. Rather, I miss watching sports and not thinking how totally stupid the whole thing is. I used to be under some kind of a spell - and I want it back.

The second most popular sport here is handball. This is the last ten seconds of Denmark v. Iceland, for all the marbles...



The number one sport, of course, is soccer. They love it here more than babies love milk. We should all be so lucky as this "proactive" Denmark soccer fanatic. The man really cares, and that's what's important.

The Worm

Let's face it - we didn't do the worm enough when we were in our worm prime. It's too late now. That ship has sailed. The worm is better than break-dancing on the moon, but none of us ever did it with any regularity at parties or private functions or bar mitzvah's. It raises some questions that we might not want answered about how awesome we aren't.

Drinking Buddies

I love getting drunk. It's pretty much the best. Had a great week back home, drinking all kinds of alcohol, in all kinds of places. It was a festival of flavors and hangovers.

It's a little different over here. Each country has their own style. Here's a brief synopsis of what I've learned living in Amsterdam and Copenhagen these past 6 months:

Danish people like to drink (beer or champagne only) for at least two days straight. Hard. Then take a week off and run a marathon. They smoke like cowboys and like to endanger their lives every third sip. Food is an afterthought, unless it needs to be killed first. They love to sing and adore smashing glasses. It's dark basically all day in the winter, so it's not out of the ordinary to get a phone call at 10AM Saturday morning demanding you hop on a boat to Sweden that will probably sink.

Dutch people, almost exclusively, drink beer. They have the odd gin, but that's only when they're feeling loosey-goosey. You'd think they'd be kinda dull drinking such mild beverages, but to the number, a Dutchman needs no more than three beer to get his engine going full throttle. Then, it's like a chugging competition. They love to watch soccer, light fires, yell and get angry. They don't smoke nearly as much pot as you'd think and tend to get tired around 6AM after gorging on deep fried meat puree.

Political Correctness

I'm not slagging North America, but the concept of "political correctness" doesn't really exist over here. People treat each other like shit and nobody complains. End of story. I'm not even sure the word sexism exists in the UK English dictionary.

Money

For the 2.7 people that visit this blog, today's theme is money. I miss money. You miss money. We miss money. It was fun having money. And it was fun spending money. You can buy all types of stuff with money - Wazzoo's, Gremlin's, word processor's, trampoline's, anything your little heart desires, money could buy.

But there's no more money. It's all gone. Finito. This clip from THE JERK is to remind all 3.2 of you what it feels like to have money.




And this music video is to give you something to hum while you sit at home eating Ramen and remember the days you used to complain about how much work sucked.

Stephen Wright

Haven't seen Stephen Wright in years. He might have moved. To Mars.

That Smile On Your Face

Saw a UFO last night. It was red. So for those of you keeping track, in the past 24 hours I've seen zero light bulbs (and been to a hundred stores) and one UFO (wasn't even trying).

Who the fuck am I kidding? Nobody's keeping track. You're all a bunch of assholes.

Zwarte Piet

Who the hell do I have to blow around here to buy a light bulb? I've been to 69 different stores in Copenhagen and not one sells 'em. If I wanted to buy a $23,000 toothpick, no problem. An autographed humpback whale disco shirt, absolutely. But a light bulb? Forget it. Asked a guy in a light fixture store and he looked at me like I had a contagious tumor. Things are different here, obviously, and I'm cool with that, but sometimes it's frustrating.

Same thing when in Amsterdam. Completely different approach. Take their Christmas celebration technique. Santa is actually really thin and called Father Christmas and super religious (not jolly). He rides a boat instead of a sleigh and has about a hundred midgets done up in black-face (called Zwarte Piet) doing his bidding. If that's not the most racist thing in the whole world, I don't know what is.

Walking Into A Bar Jokes

I've probably heard a million "walks into a bar..." jokes but can't remember one. Except this one.

John Belushi

If you're a comedian and you're alive, you're probably not any good. Cuz all the good ones are dead. Being a comedian is more dangerous than flying a plane in WW1 through a tunnel made out of knives.

This clip is from Belushi's first audition for SNL.

Barry Manilow

If you need a little boost to start the week, give this clip a twirl for about 45 seconds (entire video is 3 minutes). You'll thank me. And Barry.

Apparently Manilow wrote every hit TV commercial jingle in the 70's and 80's. What a talent. And didn't he have some kind of Burmese tiger training act in Vegas?

This clip is the Thai karaoke version for those of you men at home with the house to yourself and a little adventure in your soul.

Bill

If it wasn't for singing inanimate objects, we wouldn't know jack about politics.

Man Strokes Woman

There's a hundred of these on youtube - pick your favorite "Man Strokes Woman":

Wes Anderson

Just the thought of watching a Wes Anderson film used to make me do the moonwalk. Now, I wouldn't cross the street to watch him evaporate. What happened?

London

Turns out the dogs name is London. I bet they treated him like crap, "oi govner - fetch us the land mine willya luv."

If they made this show today the dog would be a pug named Maurice with special talent for crapping kobe beef into it's face.

Kid-ly-ness

I miss learning to count.

TV Professionalism

I bust out of Naples, Florida tomorrow. Been seven days since I've seen a cloud or an African American. Not a lot to talk about with people in their 70's when the weather doesn't change.

Everyone here tailgates like they have some big important meeting to go to. As if.

This is Republican country and they don't mind telling you so. They need to relax. Like Arthur...

Steve Irwin

I've been stuck in Florida for the past week and the only internet access I can get down here is in one of the 9.8 million Starbucks they have every two blocks. The conversations I overhear make me want to tape dynamite to my ears and start smoking cigars.

There's a lot of crocodiles down here, but I don't see any of these posers getting tough with the beasts, unlike someone we all miss...

Slow Clap

Holy Bang Olufsen speakers do these Danes love soccer. You'd think that considering this place is basically perpendicular with the north pole they'd be into something more northern, like dog sled racing or hot potato. On TV, about three days before a game, they play interviews with hardcore fans and discuss why they're really looking forward to the game, in detail. These promo's all play "November Rain" in the background.

Soccer's cool and everything, but it's pretty simple. The coach doesn't do jack all game long. And the players run too much. They need to relax. How about a slow clap for these Euro soccer faces...

John Ritter

It's 4:30 in the afternoon here in Copenhagen, which means the sun has been down for about 3 hours. Not sure if the lack of sun is making me moody, but I'd give all the oatmeal in the world to watch an episode of Three's Company right about now.

Bowl Surfers

Most people don' t know that in south east Germany, they've got a different kind of toilet bowl altogether. Let's call the area the German Rim. They way they have it's like a platter, without any water, so after you make a deuce, it's just sitting right there on a flat surface to feast your eyes on. Why they like to look at their deucage so intimately is beyond me, but it might have something to do with how when you're peeing, it's standard practice in the German Rim to look at the penis of the guy next to you. They all do it.

This clip of a "bowl surfer" was suggested by Christopher...

Powdered Toast Man

This guy was the best. He flies ass first and can fix all your breakfast needs. If Hollywood had half a brain, they'd have made eight movies around PTM.

Bob and Doug MacKenzie

TV was 800 times better when it didn't takes itself too seriously.

Unknown Soldier

I don't know who the guy making an ass of himself behind the reporter is, but I miss him. He makes the most of his 15 seconds. We should all be so fortunate.

Corey Worthington's Famous Sunglasses

It's the first Friday night of November in Copenhagen, which means Tuborg introduces its "Christmas Beer" by giving it away for free in every bar across the city starting at 20:59.

In keeping with this time honored tradition I'll leave you until next week with a clip from Australia's most famous booze hound.

Have a good weekend.

Margaret Thatcher

If Hillary Clinton had MT's hair dresser, no way she loses to Obama.

Charlie Chaplin

Robert Downey Jr. was so much better on drugs I wish I could inject him in his sleep. His portrayal of Charlie Chaplin was possibly the best acting performance since the original screen legend picked up a pair of forks and two potatoes (or whatever the hell those things are).

Animal Trainers

I haven't seen an animal trainer on TV in forever.

Stanley Kubrick

I'm new at this blog thing, but this definitely feels like a good morning clip. It's got everything. You need about four minutes to watch it, but you'll probably feel much more alert and on the ball if you do. Consider it the sugar in your coffee.

Kubrick found an actual Sargent to play the badass here. Strange it doesn't happen more often. I'll let you guess why not (film directors are dumb).

Freddy Mercury

I'm gonna try to keep most of the clips around a minute long, but it's getting late here in Denmark and I may or may not have started into the sauce and I'm not really caring about too much right now.

Can you believe they abolished gay marriage in California? That's stupid. Gay guys are really good at lots of stuff. If they want to freaking time travel, let's make that happen. Who cares what anybody else does? Can you imagine Freddy Mercury's wedding? That would have been better than 9 Superbowls.

Peter Sellers

Apparently this guy was a complete douche in real life, but I couldn't care less about that. He could have torn out my endocrine system and I'd consider him a legend.

Old Time Hockey

Haven't seen a good hockey fight in years. The game has changed and it's not the same. It's like taking punches out of boxing, just a bunch of overpaid metrosexuals standing there.

Boris Yeltsin

John Candy