Pepe Le Pew

One of the benefits of having a European address is the ability to spend a weekend in Paris. Less than a two hour flight, it was about five hours door to door, with no time change or jetlag bullshit to deal with. It was a rainy weekend and not high season for tourists, so it was possible to get decent deals and feel like a local. A ten Euro gift from my favorite Uncle spent itself on pastry and drink.

Through the rain, the lights shimmered all the same and Christmas adornments were in full spread. We fought for taxi's, walked a million miles and rode the Metro like locals and were the Hercules of fitting in. That said, no place like Paris has the ability to make you feel like an uncultured peasant in a fleeting look - so much so, I was feeling insulting glares where they weren't and went off my game in a few places - the drawbacks of being a paranoid half-jew.

But with setback comes a thickening of skin and rally. We found good form in early morning drinks and jazz. I got my hands dirty, tasting cheese and fingering old novels and poetry. The skies opened and the little wind there was packed it in. Paris, the unforgiving animal became Paris, the village. Buildings leaned towards us in greeting. As sure as frogs speak French, we hit full stride as it was time to go. But like all good things, the "city of lights" we left wanting more - more of its abuse and more well fought praise.

In The Loop

"In The Loop" looks like a potentially awesome movie. Unfortunately, I've seen half the thing on youtube just watching clips that are up and now I'm gonna have to wait six months to see the thing. So, do yourself a favor and don't watch the clip below, but do see, "In The Loop".

Thanks for all the birthday wishes and stuff and have a good weekend and I'll smell ya next week.

Both Kinds

Let's see how good I am at making up an excuse for sticking in this clip from The Blues Brothers...

Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.

Frasier Dog

Holy fuck the people here are hard to crack. They're perfectly nice now that they know me, but the connection is entirely superficial and skin deep. There's an dog in our office, Scooter, and the fucking thing pulls this move where if I bend over to pet it, he walks away just as I'm about to get there. This happened twice, which is fully embarrassing, and I can't fucking believe a dog beat me that easily. He trotted off like Bambi.

I suck.

Blue German Balls

We get a couple of German TV channels here and.. well.. I hate to generalize and stuff, but I think we need to attack Germany. Kind of a pre-emptive thing. Things are starting to brew over there and it's a matter of a decade or two, at most, before these fuckwads try and take over the world again. They can't help it. These are the most unsocial, unsympathetic people on the planet and they have a severe superiority complex.

Having gone almost two whole generations without trying to exterminate half the planet, Germany can barely contain their German feelings towards showing everybody how fucking awesome they are at killing shit and taking notes... They've got blue balls for world domination.

My Fat Ass

Did some acting in a corporate video yesterday - a favor to a friend. Played the part of a guy eating a burger and fries at his desk. The video was in Danish, but I had one line... "hi" - the international word for suck my tits.

I fucking nailed the line and didn't even need to read it from a teleprompter. But, I'm stuck thinking these Danes think I'm a fatass, cuz why else would they cast me as hamburger dude?

What am I forgetting?

A website I write for has asked for a "top ten films of the decade list". Not a huge list fan (they're insulting) and I've got half a mind to write some bullshit error-filled, pile-up that puts Casa Blanca number three behind Shrek and any Mastercard Ad. But, let's stick with the program and play by the rules, for no reason beyond I'm too lazy and I like movies too fucking much...

My top three is pretty much locked at:
1. The Royal Tenebaums
2. Punch Drunk Love
3. Borat

I'll fucking kill you if you don't agree with at least one of those.

Then there's a bunch of contenders for the remaining spots:
Kill Bill 2
O Brother Where Art Thou
Adaptation
25th Hour
Lost In Translation
Elephant (trailer below)
Sideways
There Will Be Blood
Black Hawk Down
Man On Wire (documentary)
No Country For Old Men
Away From Her (Canada)
Knocked Up
Wedding Crashers
Je rentre a la maison (I'm Going Home) (France)
Pan's Labyrinth
The Lives of Others
The Squid And The Whale
Ma femme est une actrice (My Wife Is An Actress) (France)
Almost Famous

What am I forgetting??????

Great Great Great Grandfather

Visited Glasgow for the first time this weekend, a long-time wish considering I'm half Scottish. Was in an alley where my great, great, great grandfather John McGilvray lived in 1825. It's in an area called the Gorbel's and was apparently such a rough spot back then, it was nastier than India and, "no reasonable person would stable their horse there." Everyone warned me ahead of time that it was a tough town and to expect a bar fight or something violent to happen, but I found quite the opposite.

Never met friendlier people in my life - everyone is quick witted and an amateur comedian. They're also the shortest people in the world and it took considerable restraint not to pat them on the head and send 'em looking for charms. Ate haggis and drank scotch and beer like I was preparing for the Highland Games. Found myself in a group of people singing on the street, locked arm in arm - even though we were singing Wonderwall over and over, was still good times. Whenever we got lost, people would walk us to the place we were looking for, then continue on in their own direction. People were as down to earth as I've ever met and when I once thanked a guy for a good conversation, he politely told me we had never spoken, but that I seemed like a nice enough guy and I could chat with him if I wanted to.

Somebody Do Something

Talk about a slow news day. There's fuck all going on. Let's see... Toblerone came out with a dark chocolate bar. Um... I dunno, the Mike Tyson thingy is a non-event. Danish classes stories have dried up - the Italian guy thinks everyone's gay, so now nobody says shit or laughs. There's a pig farmer in the class - not going to get on his bad side.

I asked him what kind of animals pigs are, "they friendly or interesting?". He said no.

Concrete Poppies

Miss wearing a poppy this time of year - no such tradition here, where they'd rather forget letting the Nazi's occupy Denmark without so much as a complaint. Normandy is about an hour flight and I think it's safe to say we're a pretty lucky generation to not have to do what those young men had to - not exactly the way a young man should see France for the first time.

Had my own little moment of silence today at 11:11 and have to say that it would be a nice gesture for the locals to show a little respect and display a similar form of remembrance. The official story here is that Hitler didn't give them much choice and was in a piss poor mood when he moved the troops up here - Denmark borders on Germany and was considered a possible location for D-Day. Bunkers remain on the coasts all across the country, perhaps left in place for the next time or as their unique way of remembering what they didn't do - concrete poppies if you will.

David Hasselhoff

Was flipping channels when I stumbled upon the European MTV music awards, live from Berlin. David Hasselhoff was on stage presenting an award and holy fucking shit was he smashed. There's nothing on youtube yet, but there will be and it's pure gold. Of course he used to be popular there, but Germans have caught onto the fact people think they're idiots for liking his music, so they hate him now. A little late Germany... Again.

It occurred to me this morning I have no idea how this country really works. I've got no feel for the underbelly of this place. Whenever something goes wrong, i just curse the whole damn country and shake my fist in anger. I need a version of the Canadian "Newfy", which according to the locals, are people from Arhus, a city a few islands over. Apparently, those dudes are the butt of all the Danish jokes, like: how do you get a one armed man from Arhus down from a flagpole? Wave at him.

The Little Things

Four months ago, I was helping a friend's girlfriend paint her apartment. It was just the three of us and we were at it pretty late. I suggested I'd make a run to get some coffee and the girlfriend asked if I'd walk about a kilometer further to get the kind of coffee she likes. When I realized she wasn't joking, I looked at my buddy and said that I'd be back soon - with the coffee that was from around the corner. When I returned, it was obvious he had straightened out his GF about the simple fact that when someone is donating his time painting your apartment, don't boss him around.

Sure enough, their relationship has become a disaster - and it's only in it's sixth or seventh month. That "little" coffee incident told the whole story. I've stopped hanging out with this guy, or at least reduced it to rare events every month or so. Essentially, friendship over. Hand in the friendship documents, cuz we're done here.

Got a phone call yesterday from this dude, asking me over for dinner to his house on Tuesday night to celebrate a Danish holiday tradition where they cook up duck and drink like it's their J-O-B. On the phone he asks me if I can bring a bottle of wine, when I hear in the background, from his girlfriend. "a nice bottle". He doesn't know I can hear it, so doesn't relay the message. At which point she repeats herself more assertively, "a nice bottle". I'm not saying shit, dying to know how the guy is going to respond to this. I'm the master of nice bottles, so the guy has to figure out how to play this, essentially choose between insulting me or his GF. His response? He tells her pointedly, "okay, relax... he (meaning me) doesn't need to be told that."

Can I describe why that exchange makes me so content? No. But, it was a little thing that made me think, for the first time in a while, this guy might not be so bad after all.

The Name Game

Larry Bort asked for a "worst name" contest, which I'd like to break into specific groups.

1) "Crank Handles" - Names that suggest your parents are unrealistic and potentially on crack: Lexus, Lawyer, Desheniqua...
2) "Metro Monikers" or "Jim Hancock's" - Names that trend towards leaving a young boy with multiple enemies: Maurice, Terrance, Liberace...
3) "Fucking Todd's" - Names of people that suck 100% of the time: Todd, Todd, Todd...

Further suggestions welcome...

Halloween Costume Contest Winner

Been a little busy this week with a work deadline, so pardon me if I pass today's post to:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/1102091breath1.html

Charlie Chaplin

Was at a magazine launch Saturday night filled with a whole bunch of Copenhagen fashion victim types. Models with legs so thin you could stir your drink and enough metrosexuals to fill Enrique Iglesias' pool. Was hunkered down at one of the VIP tables stealing vodka from the oversized drink bowl when I met a young dude that couldn't understand why I live in Denmark. I get this a lot and typically fart around with my answer, but this time I was drunk enough to chat something resembling the truth. The guy, whose name was either Jonas or Christian, invited me to a "teenage alcohol party" and seeing that it was still dark outside, I accepted. We walked for a while, like a pack of Japanese shoppers to a house filled with kids half my age. I sat in the back with a few guys and talked about what a bitch the girlfriend of the guy whose house it was (the brother of my drinking buddy).

I went to go tell the guy about his ladies reputation, but got sidetracked because he looked and dressed exactly like Charlie Chaplin (remember he's a fashion victim). I changed course accordingly and insisted that for the rest of the night he remain silent. Every time he spoke, I shook my finger, explaining fashion is serious and if he's going to go for a certain look, he had to go all the way.