Board Games

Been getting some comments lately that the theme of this blog has morphed from its original intent into something less appealing. What was a cute attempt at reliving past legends glory has become a daily (sometimes twice) spiteful tirade against even the littlest annoyance. It's like Bo Derek has transformed into Gary Schandling.

No comment.

Regards

Who was the first clown to close out a letter with, "regards"? Better question, who was the second meatbox to think, "regards, how appropriate - let's make that a trend"? Regards... what does that mean? I regard you. You are noticed.

Dear Sirs,

Please send rations of clean water and ammunition before nightfall.

You are noticed,

Jay Harharwood


How dumb is that? And while we're at it, how much does "sincerely" suck ass? Instead, why not sign off a letter or email, "have fun storming the castle" or "pack your meat in plenty of ice".

Boy George

If I understand karma correctly, it means that if you do good, good will come back to you. If you do bad, bad will happen to you. Sure, people should be encouraged to not fuck each other around, but the concept is seriously flawed.

Number one, no mystical force is keeping score. Number two, the people that are doing good so they have good karma and eventually receive good fortune, are only doing good for spiritual profit. How fucking empty-headed and selfish can these karma douchebags be? Why not do a good thing because its the right thing to do you hippy cocksniffers?

Karma is no different than religion. Do good now, get rewarded later. As if life is some kind of a test.

Movie Theatres That Don't Suck

Movie theaters here are the absolute worst. You need to make a reservation over the phone or online and they give you a specific seat to sit in which is entirely pointless. There's about 20 seats in each theater and the buttons on my 1982 calculator watch were bigger than these screens. Something is messed up with the popcorn - each kernel weighs eight pounds and takes four minutes to chew. You can bring in wine or vodka soda, but there's nowhere to put the glass so when you shift your feet... smash.

It's as if they designed the theaters and the viewing experience with absolutely zero thought, or research. Like these are the first movies ever and nobody has been to a theater before. And try finding these things. They're typically in the basement of a shopping mall or on the third floor of a hospital.

Saturday Afternoon

Hello Monday morning you fucking slut. You arrogant piece of shit. How dare you Monday morning return us from our trips, our patios and our sideways dreams, demarcating the traverse from wonderment to crunch? Go back into your gnarly shell Monday morning - we don't need your kind 'round here no more...

Here's a clip from Kill Bill 2 on the joys of showing up to work...



As an aside...?

Any time a man sits on the toilet, there's gonna be some dirt flying. Obviously. But the ladies have a different challenge, don't they? At what juncture exactly do they decide if they're gonna make a poop or a piss? Is it a last minute judgment call or do they steady their resolve in advance? I'm not sure I could deal with this kind of uncertainty. How could one sit on the toilet and not deuce it out? I say, whole new respect for women.

Foot Long's

I've heard that different races of people have different penis sizes. Why is that? What is the science here? At first, one might just assume it's natures sense of fairness shining through.

I think it has something to do with air temperature. Isn't evolution about survival? If your tribe is from a moist, soft, juicy area, then one might assume the woman's reproductive bits don't need to be too far away from the outside of doors. Hence, men from moist regions have little itty bitty wieners. The opposite is true for desert people. Am I making sense here? Am I finally getting through to you people?

Like most desert people, I'll be spending my Friday afternoon on a golf course, drinking stuff and smoking other stuff thinking of more critical information to relay when we pick this up next week.

Flower Power

Who here woke up with an itchy ass? I didn't. My ass was itch free all morning. Perhaps some bum scratchers this a.m. were Montreal Canadian fans trying to figure out why their minds hurt so much.

See how clever I am by insinuating that Habs fans have their brains in their ass? That should show them nicely. Gotcha Habs fans!

JFK

Where did all the horny politicians go? A decade ago, politicians were screwing their brains out. Nowadays, the worst of them forgot to file their taxes or God forbid, solicits a bribe. No wonder we're in so much shit.

Even the people running the show need to get their pipes cleaned every once in a while. I hereby proclaim into law if a person makes it to congress they should be allowed to finger anyone they want.

Johnny

Holy fuck did my Dad hate Alan Thicke when I was a kid. GROWING PAINS was not allowed in the house. And I couldn't watch wrestling or THE DUKES OF HAZZARD without being called a hooligan. You know Alan Thicke wrote the theme to THE FACTS OF LIFE, WHEEL OF FORTUNE and DIFFERENT STROKES? The guy must be loaded. Maybe that's why my Dad hated him so much. It's was a tie between Alan Thicke and Fergie Oliver for the two people pops wanted to go fuck themselves the hardest. Fergie Oliver was the genius CTV had announcing the Blue Jays games and the children's game show JUST LIKE MOM identically to each other, "ooooh good hit by Fernandez." It was actually Alan Thicke, Fergie Oliver and Kelly Gruber the religious third baseman for the Jays with a coke problem. Those three. Everyone else was fine.

Of course Johnny Carson could do no wrong.

Stephen Hawkings

Stephen Hawkings is fighting for his life in a Cambridge hospital, once again proving the absurdity of being human. The man's mind can dance algorithms around the stars, he can write books without moving more than his eyelids, yet he's in critical condition because in his delicate condition a severe cold is life threatening.

If you're not familiar with his work, the major splash he made was writing in A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME that the universe was expanding and that very expansion was linked to time moving forward. He then contended that eventually the universe would contract and time would move backwards, resulting in us being forced to live our lives backwards. Some heavy shit from a scientist. He would retract that theory one year later.

A buddy's Dad is a scientist and he's always complaining that while the world regards Hawkings as our top mind, in the scientific community he's considered nothing more than a novelty act - a joke. Some joke. I spent a year planning to live my life backwards, four hundred billion years from now.

Didn't he just sign a contract to work for University of Waterloo? No wonder he's feeling ill.

Get well soon.

Bob Barker

A shower is an amazing thing. Crawl in a total zombie, leave with vigor and purpose. How the hell is running water over the body for a few minutes so transformative? Whoever came up with baptism was probably a pretty alert dude.

On a completely different note... why do musicians feel so compelled to rhyme? They narrow their choices in words from a billion to like eight and we get asinine lyrics like, "snap back to reality, oops there goes gravity"... is it because musicians are the modern poets? The music doesn't particularly benefit from the rhyme. It's not a must. Maybe the musicians feel rhyming affords them greater latitude for pure stupidity.

Friar Tuck

After six months of cloud, the sun has been out for a week straight and there's a fifty/fifty chance I'm going to explode with giddiness. Actual sensations of joy feel considerably more powerful when your brain has been preoccupied with the most effective way to jump into a helicopter blade. I'm so happy an immense bulge forms in my pants just thinking about heading outside into the refreshing sun-kissed air.

Food tastes better and settles well. Drink glides down my hole into the guts saying thank you sir along it's merry way. It's an orgy of sensations. Ah, the sun. Do your dirty work.

Bernie

Well, the first Canadian visitor has arrived and made it a whole five hours before passing out in a heap of his own feces. Not like I blame the guy, after the surreal past eight days he's had and the half bottle of aquavit aka "snapps" he forced into his rapidly aging carcass upon arrival (to try and wake up). And maybe the two km walk wasn't such a killer idea. You guys would have loved to see all 6"6 of him dragging his lopsided ass, pretending to give a fuck about the various Kobenhavn monuments. I was half hoping one of the soles of his shoe would fall off so he'd look like a complete drag-ass bum.

Here's the end of Weekend at Bernie's...

My Brain

Sorry about the posts the past few days - I know they've sucked some serious ass. My mind is like mush. Fact is, I'm a vain, superficial fuckwad slash doucebag with no real thoughts of my own.

On a different note, looking forward to a visit from the tallest person to run an marathon drunk. However my optimism contains a slight sense of foreboding...

Barry Manilow

People are about nine million times skinnier here. Try getting pants in a 36. The looks I get make me feel like Rita McNeil. People see me coming and cross the street. Waiters assume I'd like bacon on everything. Everyone looks like Barry Manilow - the later years.

Sports Bar

There's no such thing as a sports bar in Europe. The very idea probably sends shivers down their throat (along with a bunch of other stuff). They have TV's in bars, but they have something called soccer on it which obviously is some kind of ballet.

I'm in the film business and as such am required to hate sports, but would it really kill these Eurodouches to open up one single sports bar? Just give me a playoff hockey game or an inning of baseball - I'm not picky. Just something that I know makes me look like I'm an idiot, because honestly, I don't care.

Jean Chretien

The Prime Minister of Denmark just quit to take a job with NATO, which succinctly summarizes how useless this country is. I hear the leader of the opposition is stepping down to take a job in telemarketing. Or is it VCR repair?

You

It's Master's weekend again and I might be the only person in Denmark who gives a flying fuck. The locals are busy with a five day weekend of eating open face sandwiches, bumping into each other and gulping dark beer. The flags are at half mast which is rare here and a strange tribute to their Lord.

For the first time in forever there's more than twenty minutes of sun in the forecast, so it's off to a patio to squint my way through a few. Truth be told, my heart is elsewhere - a few thousand miles away in front of a screen beside friends. Miss you guys.

Skinheads

Easter holiday begins here tomorrow - a five day weekend. They like their Easter. Like in NA, they've got the bunny and the chocolate egg thing going on, and the egg hunt is popular too. Every other holiday is totally different here, but they seem to be up to speed on the bunny activity.

Was on the golf course recently and saw a bunny five times larger than one I've ever seen before. Or is that a hare? There was a guy pulling a baby carriage on the course too. Probably the strangest thing on the links that day was the foursome of skinheads in front of us. Didn't know the skinheads were big golfers.

Andre The Giant

Since Andre The Giant passed we earthlings have kinda slacked off and not replaced him with a new celebrity giant. There used to be "The Friendly Giant" and "The Green Giant" too, but now there's fuck all. We're so focused on the little things in life, we sometimes forget the "big" picture. Even the very tall need to be loved.

Happy Birthday Prozes.

People That Look Stupid

Everyone here (in CPH) looks like they just walked out of a fashion magazine and it's starting to make me want to punch shit. How many boutiques does a city of one million people need? Because there's about two million boutiques here. There's nobody in the streets because everyone is inside the boutique they just bought. When I talk to people I immediately apologize for not wearing a designer scarf.

I miss Toronto people who know how to dress but choose to look as stupid as humanly possible. I miss a place where the influences are Hunter S. Thompson and Spinal Tap, not Lenny Kravitz and a toaster designed by Arnee Jacobsen.

Americans

Minimum five times a day I hear, "so, you're from the US?" Sometimes, I say yes and then do something really annoying, like complain about how my menu isn't made of gold. Other times, I say no - I'm from Australia and spit on the ground. When I do correct them and say Canada, I always get a strange look like it's some kind of scam I've got going. Sometimes I get a follow up question about if I speak French... you can see how stupid the whole thing is and why I'm getting sick of it.

Europeans are a conflicted bunch to begin with. They love American culture but hate Americans, which makes a strange kind of sense. It's like they've got a guilty crush on the United States, which is made even worse because the US doesn't have a fucking clue they exist. Until now...

Jews

There are absolutely no Jews in Denmark, which pretty much makes me a fucking novelty act here. Was playing poker last night and one jerkoff says to me, "so, I hear you're Jewish." I nod and move on, but the guy keeps pressing me for details, like it's some secret cult. Reluctantly, I correct him and explain the thing about my Mom not being Jewish and that because my last name is so Jewish I'm kinda stuck in the middle. But he doesn't hear any of that shit. To him, I'm a fucking freak show and he wants the full story. So, I tell him that Jews burn turtles for good luck and eat live fish to celebrate the new year, which of course is 14,999 because we're such an old religion.

That shut him up. Douchebag.

Black People

Saw my first black people since moving to Denmark - this has to be the whitest nation in the world. It was a family of five crammed into mid-90's maroon Volvo. They looked scared.

Maybe it was the way my eyes lit up. I just hadn't seen black people in a while and I got excited. The Dad was looking at me like he was ready to throw the car in reverse and run over nine cars to get away. I realized I was freaking the whole family out and smiled as innocently as I could, which ramped up their fear another four-hundred percent.

My bad. My bad.

Actual Police

The police here seem to be a pretty laid back bunch. Doubt they carry guns and I'm yet to see one that doesn't have the body of an aged Kenyan marathon champion. They ride around in groups of three in their little white cars with the blue Euro-siren, which sounds like part of a techno song. You always see them socializing on the street in groups of four - just standing there talking, drinking coffee, smoking butts. No big deal.